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FUN: teen boys go to their first college party together "we're gunna pick up so many bitches" Reports indicate they "picked up no bitches"                   FILIBUSTED: student government faces a shut down "our spring fling should be 70s themed" "80s OR NOTHING" presently no agreement is in sight                   MAKING WUB: teen credits dubstep for his success with the ladies "you can't spell skrillex without killr sex"                   TEEN CRISIS: "hello 911? yes. my internet went out in the middle of a jerk sesh" "what do you mean this isn't an emergency??" "put obama on"                   WONDERWALL: : teen learns guitar to pick up girls *strums a single G chord* "i'm gunna get so fucking laid"                   FLIRT: teens interact sexually "is that an iPhone in your pants or are you just happy to see me?" "it's a Samsung Galaxy you stupid bitch"                   PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher "can i use the bathroom?" "i don't know, CAN you?" *takes deep breath* *pisses all over teachers desk*                   BARGAIN: teen buys weed for the first time *hands dealer $20* *gets handed bag of chopped leaves* *smells bag* "woah this is some dank kush"                   OLD: teen is highly confused "dad what's that?" "its called a newspaper son" "does it get wifi?" "no, its just paper" "well that's retarded"                   OLD: teen is highly confused "dad what's that?" "its called a newspaper son" "does it get wifi?" "no, its just paper" "well that's retarded"                   WHIP GAME: teens hit the go kart track "mushrooms and racing was a great idea" "i feel like mario" "haha steve is just staring at the wheel"                   :'(: Girl found passed out after what friends call a 'white girl rampage' "becky was wayyy out of control" "she had likee 11 mochafrapss!!"                   YOU GIVE BUD A BAD NAME: teen gets creative "i named my piece Bong Jovi" dude that's sick *rips bong so dang hard* "WE'RE HALFWAY THEREEE OH                   VIDEO GAMES: teen gets upset while playing Halo "why's this homo called master chef he never even cooks" "it's chief" "he's not even indian"                   WHIP GAME: teens hit the go kart track "mushrooms and racing was a great idea" "i feel like mario" "haha steve is just staring at the wheel"                   SUPER SMASH BROTHAS: teen claims Nintendo is racist "there's no black people in super smash" well, there IS donkey ko- *gets ass beat hard*                   LEGIT: teen gets real "i'm all about three things: pussy, weed, and kill streaks" *rips bong and plays black ops* "...the pussy can wait"                   PUTT PUTT: teen has trouble on his first date w/ female "she beat me in mini golf" that's rough, what did you do? "i left her there" nice                   HOT: teens love sexting! 9:14 - i wanna sex u up 9:15 - wat u gna do 2 me? 9:15 - ima stick my penis in ur *goes on wikipedia* 9:24 - labia

Breaking News

all the real news coming to you at neckbreaking speeds


LOVE IS A HIGHWAY: first date ends anticlimactically with a bit of a fender bender "i'm still confused how this is my fault...those aholes should have named it a drive-near theater"

DENVER, CO - In an incident that has left the community both baffled and amused, a local teen's first date at a traditional drive-in theater ended in an unexpected collision with the movie screen. The teen, who has blamed the venue's naming for the accident, has sparked a conversation about the driving skills of today's youth and the responsibilities of entertainment venues.

Teens Crashing Honda Civic Into Movie Screen

NO FLEX ZONE: teen breaks up with girlfriend "its just not- *curls dumbbell* WORKING OUT for me" "that's funny" "i kno rite. but still we're still thru"

PHOENIX, AZ - In a shocking turn of events that has left the local gym community absolutely shook, a teen known only as Chad Flexington III has broken up with his girlfriend, Tiffany Toned, in what can only be described as the most lit breakup of the century. The incident occurred at Bicep Bliss Gym, where the couple was spotted working out together before things took a turn for the dramatic.

Couple breaking up in gym while lifting weights

THIS IS FORTY: teen finds the perfect birthday gift for his mother "i'm not going to call her a 'bitch' today"

POUGHKEEPSIE - It's a day that will be remembered in the annals of Poughkeepsie. Local teen, Eddie "Skate Rat" Thompson, known for his exceptional ability to push his mother's patience to the breaking point, made a revolutionary birthday promise. For his mom's 40th birthday, he swore off his daily tradition of punctuating every sentence with the endearing moniker, "bitch."

Angry Teen and Happy Mom

SHARK WEEK: new clout chasing trend has teens braving the ocean covered in chum "can you imagine how many insta followers i'll get if it rips of my freaking arm"

SUNNYDALE BEACH - A new wave of thrill-seeking teens is hitting Sunnydale's shores, and it's making the town's old guard of surfers feel like they're swimming with guppies. The latest TikTok trend, dubbed #ChumDive, sees adrenaline-addled teens diving into the ocean covered head-to-toe in fish guts and blood, all in an effort to chase that elusive viral fame.

last image of billy benson

"SPECIAL NEEDS" SPECTACLE: LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL RENAMES ALL CLASSES IN BOLD INCLUSIONARY MOVE

EVERETT, WA - In a controversial decision that's got everyone talking, Elmont's Sacred Oaks High School has taken the term "inclusion" to an unprecedented level. The school announced last week that all classes will henceforth be dubbed "special needs" classes. In response, parents, students, and the wider community are collectively picking their jaws off the floor.

Special Needs

LOCAL TEEN BATTLES POOP APOCALYPSE: TWO WEEKS AND COUNTING

MIDTOWN - Amid the hustle and bustle of Midtown, a teen named Joey has been caught in a crappy situation - he hasn't pooped in two weeks.

constipated teen

BRITTNEY SPEARS SWINGS BACK AFTER NBA STAR'S SECURITY MIX-UP, APOLOGETIC TEEN CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE

In an unexpected twist of events, pop icon Brittney Spears ended up swinging at a teen fan after she herself was accidentally hit by the security team of NBA #1 Draft Pick, Victor Wembenyana.



TEEN INVENTS SPF 5000 SUNSCREEN, PROMISES IMMORTALITY AND NO TAN LINES

Summer is here, and along with it, the race to find that perfect sunscreen that blocks harmful UV rays yet somehow magically avoids those pesky tan lines. Well, look no further! 17-year-old prodigy, Frankie 'SunBlocker' Nguyen, claims he's invented a sunscreen so potent it offers an SPF of 5000, promises no tan lines, and as a bonus, confers immortality. Yes, you read that right.



TEEN HACKERS TARGET AMOURANTH'S ONLYFANS

A plot worthy of a Hollywood movie has unfolded in the underbelly of the teenage hacker community as a group of aspiring code wizards embarked on a mission they dubbed "Operation Free Amouranth". The objective? To hack into the OnlyFans account of the prominent creator, Amouranth.



PROM DRESS DILEMMA: A COMMUNITY IN TURMOIL OVER NEON COLORS

In what can only be described as the fashion equivalent of the apocalypse, there has been an absolute uproar within the teenage community regarding the rampant use of neon colors in prom dresses this year.

neon yellow prom dress

KILLER KEYBOARDS: THE SILENT EPIDEMIC OF 'CAPS LOCK' ACCIDENTS

In a riveting and rather alarmist discovery, we're on the verge of a shocking epidemic that's sweeping the nation, and it's not a virus - it's the Caps Lock key.


Caps Lock Key

TEEN MUSICIAN REVOLUTIONIZES POLKA WITH ELECTRIC UKULELE

In a clash of cultures and a fusion of musical genres, 17-year-old musical prodigy Lily Sanchez is turning the polka music world upside down with her groundbreaking approach to the traditional genre. Armed with her trusty electric ukulele, Lily is reinventing polka by infusing it with a vibrant energy and modern melodies.

TEEN HIJACKS PLANE WITH HOT POCKET


Sorry world, another aerial disaster occurred this afternoon involving an 18 year old college student and the reason Jim Gaffigan is able to feed his children.

JONAH HILL IS NOT A REAL PERSON

Astounding video evidence has revealed that Jonah Hill is not a real person.  In an indisputable four part series, the team at 420 Conspiracies, has convinced Teen News.

DOES DAD MUSIC LEAD TO CANCER? PUTTING THE AC IN AC/DC

A new study by Harvard University has revealed a new form of ear cancer affecting teens at younger and younger ages.  After an extremely complex study, the scientific community is officially ready to label "dad music" a carcinogen.

NEW STUDY PROVES ALL DOGS ARE ATHEISTS


Esteemed scientists in the academic community have published results to a new study that drastically changes lives for teens, all dogs are atheists.

OLD TECHNOLOGY IS THE #1 KILLER OF TEENS IN 2014

Even though many experts expected the number one cause of teen death to revert to virginity (the number one teen killer in 2012) and a handful campaigned that swag overdoses (the number one teen killer in 2013) would remain on top, outdated technology kills more teens everyday than automobile accidents and bee stings combined.

SAN FRANCISCO TEEN FAILS DRIVER'S TEST FOR 69TH TIME



Surprisingly, this particular teen was neither asian nor female.

NET NEUTRALITY RULING 2014: NETFLIX IS DONE FOR

Teens everywhere around the world are freaking out after the government's decision to give equal rights to the internet.  The aftermath leaves the Netflix corporation decimated, and teens devastated.

HBO GO CRASH: QUICK FIX

After the recent HBO Go crashes, and the resulting social media outrage of teens everywhere, the entertainment provider has opened up a line of communication to their aggrieved audience.