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FILIBUSTED: student government faces a shut down "our spring fling should be 70s themed" "80s OR NOTHING" presently no agreement is in sight                   GOSSIP: 7th graders talk rumors "i heard tina gave billy a handjob behind the bleachers after school" for real? "yea" wait what's a handjob?                   VIOLENT: teen in critical condition after being assaulted during a game of Mario Party "i told that piece of shit not to steal my star"                   STUDY: teen crams for exam PREPARE THE LUBE MOTHER *jams textbook into anus* i guess you can say ill be pulling the answers...OUT OF MY ASS                   NO HOMO: local 6th grader claims he would "suck dick for some lunchables" He further stated that he doesn't know what "suck dick" means                   GRADES: teen girl prays she doesn't fail her history test "anything but an F, my parents will kill me!" boys reply "i guess she wants the D"                   WORK: teen seeks job "it says here u defeated the elite 4 on ur 1st try" yes sir "congrats, u got the job. ur starting salary is $1,000,000"                   OLD: teen is highly confused "dad what's that?" "its called a newspaper son" "does it get wifi?" "no, its just paper" "well that's retarded"                   BANGIN: teen goes on date w/ cute female "how'd it go?" let's just say i'm *lowers shades* not a virgin anymore *still totally a virgin*                   TEEN CRISIS: "hello 911? yes. my internet went out in the middle of a jerk sesh" "what do you mean this isn't an emergency??" "put obama on"                   FML: teen struggles to get by in a harsh world "my chips are so crunchy that i can't hear the tv when i eat them" "i fucking hate my life"                   NO HOMO: local 6th grader claims he would "suck dick for some lunchables" He further stated that he doesn't know what "suck dick" means                   BALLING: Teen takes girlfriend out to dinner "ight babe were gonna split the 60 pc nugget" "a milkshake? idk babe maybe next time"                   WHIP GAME: teens hit the go kart track "mushrooms and racing was a great idea" "i feel like mario" "haha steve is just staring at the wheel"                   FML: teen struggles to get by in a harsh world "my chips are so crunchy that i can't hear the tv when i eat them" "i fucking hate my life"                   NEITHER: "which fedora should i wear?"                   MUGSHOT: arrested teen makes an odd request while being processed "can you please sepia filter this shot" "also can you hashtag it badass?"                   SURVEY: 7 out of 10 teens agree that 3 out of 10 teens are "lame af" and "will not be sitting at our lunch table this year"                   TURNT: 7th graders go H.A.M. for Billy's 13th BDay "dude i just chugged 3 Kool-Aid Jammerz" "i think im starting to feel it"

HBO GO CRASH: QUICK FIX

After the recent HBO Go crashes, and the resulting social media outrage of teens everywhere, the entertainment provider has opened up a line of communication to their aggrieved audience.

LITTLE ROCK, AK - During the past few weeks, thousands of HBO Go users have experienced server crashes while trying to watch their favorite shows such as "Game of Whatevers" and "True Something".  The issue runs a lot deeper than just an inconvenience, however, psychologist Albert Einstein (no relation) has a theory.

"If a teen misses the initial live viewing of a television show, their entire life can be in ruins.  First, their friends will probably spoil it for them on their twitter timelines, and the resulting psychological distress can result in suicidal thoughts and even spontaneous combustion." - Dr. Albert Einstein (DeVry University Psychology Professor)

HBO Go finally released a statement the other day claiming that "teens bitch just to bitch","maybe the fucking servers would work if everyone wasn't using their friend's fucking account", and "you do realize you have no right to bitch about a subscription service you don't subscribe to right?".

Can we really blame this tragedy on the teens? 17 year old, Mark Rodgers claims "Bro, shit should just work, ya know, when shit doesn't work, I'm pissed."

SPOILER: IF YOUR HBO GO DOESN'T WORK CLICK ON THIS LINK