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FML: teen struggles to get by in a harsh world "my chips are so crunchy that i can't hear the tv when i eat them" "i fucking hate my life"                   TEEN CRISIS: "hello 911? yes. my internet went out in the middle of a jerk sesh" "what do you mean this isn't an emergency??" "put obama on"                   GRADES: Student receives an "F" on powerpoint presentation for using too many laser sounds in transitions "that sound effect is gangster af"                   VIOLENT: teen in critical condition after being assaulted during a game of Mario Party "i told that piece of shit not to steal my star"                   UNEMPLOYED: teen fills out a job application HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY? Yes. IF YES, EXPLAIN. I murder every beat I rap on.                   FANDANGO: 16 year olds try to see an R rated movie "i left my ID in-" *fake moustache falls off* "damnit" *sees grown ups 2*                   BAD HAIR DAY: Teen girl decides to leave school after realizing her hair is "disgusting" an eyewitness stated "i'd still fuck her"                   DATING: teen breaks up with girlfriend "it's just not- *curls dumbbell* WORKING OUT for me" that's funny "i kno rite. but still we're thru"                   TRUTH: cop teaches class on drug awareness "honestly guys... pot isn't bad for you" *class gives standing ovation* *cop starts breakdancing*                   BONDING: teen doesn't want to go to school "dad, it's just real fcking gay" "honestly son, you have a point" *father rolls fat ass blunt*                   BUSTED: a shirtless teen was seen smoking a cigarette while riding a longboard. Police arrested him for being "too cool" in a school zone                   ART: teen shows off his photography skills "i took a picture of a tree man" "so??" "....then i made it black and white" "woah that's deep"                   BONDING: teen doesn't want to go to school "dad, it's just real fcking gay" "honestly son, you have a point" *father rolls fat ass blunt*                   DISSED: teen engages in a rap battle "dude ur raps are toilet/if i pooped in ur mouth you'd prolly enjoy it" *entire school krumps to death*                   BUSTED: a shirtless teen was seen smoking a cigarette while riding a longboard. Police arrested him for being "too cool" in a school zone                   DRAMABOMB: authorities are investigating a gas that stimulates drama, experts say it's probably oxygen because teen girls are simply bitches                   ELECTED: teen wins over his high school in class elections "if elected... I WILL LEGALIZE MARIJUANA" *entire student body starts krumping*                   HEALTH: teens converse while smoking cigs "can cell phones really give you cancer?" "i hope not" *takes drag* "i'd hate to get cancer"                   OLD: teen is highly confused "dad what's that?" "its called a newspaper son" "does it get wifi?" "no, its just paper" "well that's retarded"

BOY LUNCH: guys at a local high school feel left out "can i get some boob action as a side?" "i really want to feel the repressed rage in this sandwich"

WINDFALL CITY - High schools, typically known for their outdated textbooks and relentless teenage drama, took an unexpected turn at Windfall City High when the male student body made a perplexing discovery: they were missing out on some prime cafeteria specials. How? Well, apparently someone decided that it's "Girl Lunch" week in the cafeteria, but no one bothered to give the memo to the gents.

NEW SCHOOL COOL: college teens party with a millennial "you guys got any beer?" *sniffs a line of pure dogecoin* "GUYS GRANDPA WANTS TO CARBO-LOAD"

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ - It was a sight to behold when college teens at Riverdale University invited a millennial to one of their notorious shindigs this past weekend.

dogecoin party

GREAIT MINDS THINK ALIKE: teens get a response on their career aspiration essay assignment "it looks like ALL of you responded 'As an artificial intelligence language model, I don't have personal ambitions or desires like humans do.'"

ANCHORAGE, AL - Something unexpected has blossomed in the frosty classrooms of Anchorage High: unity. A recent assignment, to pen an essay on career aspirations, led to an unexpected consensus among the city's teen scholars. They all want to be...Artificial Intelligence Language Models?

Teacher Upset at Students' Essays

NO COUCH TO CRY ON: 'NOT IN THERAPY' CLIQUE YEARNS FOR FREUD TO ROLL IN THEIR HOMEROOM

BURLINGTON, VT - In a high school where sharing your deepest traumas and neuroses has become the new cool, the kids not in therapy are feeling decidedly uncool. Burlington High, long known for its superb cafeteria food and cutthroat chess club, has added a new feather to its cap: becoming the epicenter of the teen therapy trend.

struggling teen

HALF-MOWED, FULLY BOWLED: LAWNCHAOS UNFURLS IN SPLITVILLE

SPLITVILLE, USA - Welcome to the "Mow-narchy!" In a development that could only be compared to choosing between a vegan and gluten-free diet, local teen Brad of Splitville has flabbergasted neighbors by committing the egregious sin of mowing only half his lawn.

teen mowing lawn

TEEN SURF STAR DITCHES 'PHALLIC' FEARS, RIDES TOWARDS GIRLFRIEND'S HEART

SUNNY BEACH, CA - In an absolutely tubular twist, local teen surfer Sandy had to hang ten on the waves of insecurity, as she found herself washed out by the sight of her girlfriend Lisa riding the surfboard. Calling it 'a bit too phallic' for her taste, Sandy said, "Seriously dude, it was like, freaking me out!"

surfing teen

TOP 5 WEBSITES FOR TEENS



Are you a teen? Have you ever been on the internet? If you answered yes to either of those questions this article will definitely interest you

PROM DRESS DILEMMA: A COMMUNITY IN TURMOIL OVER NEON COLORS

In what can only be described as the fashion equivalent of the apocalypse, there has been an absolute uproar within the teenage community regarding the rampant use of neon colors in prom dresses this year.

neon yellow prom dress

TEEN MUSICIAN REVOLUTIONIZES POLKA WITH ELECTRIC UKULELE

In a clash of cultures and a fusion of musical genres, 17-year-old musical prodigy Lily Sanchez is turning the polka music world upside down with her groundbreaking approach to the traditional genre. Armed with her trusty electric ukulele, Lily is reinventing polka by infusing it with a vibrant energy and modern melodies.

TEENS ALREADY CONSIDER 2015 "GAY"

Well, that didn't take long.

EBOLA GOES VIRAL IN CALIFORNIA HIGH SCHOOL

Ebola isn't a very contagious disease, infecting the same amount of people per case as HIV/AIDS.  However, it appears the latest thing for Americans to fear has another way of infecting teen culture.

OLD TECHNOLOGY IS THE #1 KILLER OF TEENS IN 2014

Even though many experts expected the number one cause of teen death to revert to virginity (the number one teen killer in 2012) and a handful campaigned that swag overdoses (the number one teen killer in 2013) would remain on top, outdated technology kills more teens everyday than automobile accidents and bee stings combined.

FIVE EASY FATHER'S DAY GIFTS


Damn, wasn't it just Mother's Day like two minutes ago? Whatever, we at teen news know damn well you haven't bought anything yet, so we've personally partnered with Amazon's Jeff Bezos and his drones to deliver whatever useless shit your dad doesn't want this year.

GENERATIONAL PRIVILEGE: OLDER AMERICANS CHALLENGE TEENS

A surge of ambitious members of the ODIE community (Old, Decrepit, Infertile, and Expiring) are challenging teens that claim they need to "get with the times". Their community has been villainized for years because of their decision to reject progressive movements such as same-sex marriage, equal opportunity employment, and the expansion of what gender means.

FIVE EASIEST COLLEGE MAJORS THAT STILL PAY WELL

Every teen wants to head from high school to college and coast on by with an easy major while getting blackout drunk three or more times a week, but they still want to be absolutely loaded when they finally graduate. Here are five majors that teen news believes fit those criteria.

RUDOLPH - THE GINGER REINDEER




Fair skinned Pittsburgh teens identify with the struggles of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and prompt a discussion of skin pigment equality in the United States.

DEAR SANTA,: TEEN CHRISTMAS LISTS



Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is all 25 of these GAME-CHANGING 25 DAYS OF TEEN NEWS CHRISTMAS PALOOZA ARTICLES.  Well, maybe there's something else you want, but either way we can all basque in nostalgia and try to laugh at one of the dumber Christmas traditions of all time...writing to good ol' Saint Nick.

HANUKKAH IN REVIEW


Day 5 of the teen news 25 days of christmas spectacular special to end all specials ever in the history of specials.  We've all heard of Hanukkah, but what is it...really?  Is it just the jews way of overcompensating for their kids lack of holiday enjoyment in the month of December?  Or is it the greatest holiday of all time?!?!?

ADVENT CALENDARS

It's December and teen news is getting in the holiday spirit by bringing you a Christmas themed article everyday from now until Christmas in the TEEN NEWS 25 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS SPECTACULAR EVENT THAT WILL BE REMEMBERED FOR ALL TIME.  Or for short, the 25 Days of Christmas, to kick off let's take a close look at Advent Calendars.

SEVEN REASONS AMERICA IS AWESOME

I pledge allegiance, to the swag, OF THE MOST YOLO NATION ON THE PLANET!!! Let's be real here if you don't live in America you're most likely some beta foreign ass nerd who literally gets no pussy. From our beautiful cities (ie: camden New Jersey, MURDA CAP SON) or seductive women like honey boo boo's mother (she a bad bitch) the USA is literally perfect in every sense of the word. So I compiled a list of 8 more reasons America puts the free in freedumb.