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QUEERS OF WAR: teens argue over Xbox Live "suck my dick!" "no you suck my dick, bitch!" *teens exchange numbers and suck each other's dicks*                   TEEN TALK: "is the double condom method more effective?" "a condom inside a condom? that's like inception dude" "...more like CONTRACEPTION"                   HIGH: teens smoke while their parents are out "WAIT get the dog outta here. he'll tell my mom" *stares at dog for 30 seconds* "you're right"                   YOLO: HS teen takes it to the limit LET'S *turns hat sideways* FUCKING *puts speakers up to 80% full volume* DO THIS *drinks 2 light beers*                   SCIENTIFIC: studies indicate that 3 out of every 4 teens smoke marijuana. Coincidentally, scientists also found that 1 in 4 teens are nerds                   GROUNDED: teen punished for 2 weeks after parents discover internet history: hot girls boobs vaginas how can i tell if i'm gay? big dicks                   NICE: teens prepare for finals "i took like 120 mg's of adderall" "i didn't even study. i just organized my itunes library for 6 hours"                   BAD HAIR DAY: Teen girl decides to leave school after realizing her hair is "disgusting" an eyewitness stated "i'd still fuck her"                   PROGRESSIVE: teens talk car insurance "would you bang Flo?" "i'd let her suck my dick" "i'd be down for a-" *lowers shades* "flojob" *high5*                   FISH ARE FRIENDS: a white girl posts a facebook status Becky: i'm FINna watch some shark week! Hannah: omg so creative! Becky: love uuuuuuu                   BAKED: teens get so high on marijuana they "forgot the alamo" "the what??" "DUDE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER THIS SHIT"                   EASY LIVIN: teens are out of school and ready to let loose for the summer! "yo man i'm bored af" "me too"                   DATING: teen breaks up with girlfriend "it's just not- *curls dumbbell* WORKING OUT for me" that's funny "i kno rite. but still we're thru"                   ICEBREAKER: teen screws up a classic pick-up line "so babe you ever weigh a polar bear" "what?" *breaks ice on girl's head* "wanna make out"                   BAKED: teens get so high on marijuana they "forgot the alamo" "the what??" "DUDE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER THIS SHIT"                   BONDING: teen doesn't want to go to school "dad, it's just real fcking gay" "honestly son, you have a point" *father rolls fat ass blunt*                   RADICAL: "hip dad" interacts with teenage children "sup kids? you guys feeling YOLO today?" dad no "this dinner sure is MAJOR SWAG" DAD WHY                   EARLY BIRD: teen gets woken up "why would you wake me up at such an UNGODLY HOUR??" dude it's 10:30 "JESUS CHRIST ITS PRACTICALLY YESTERDAY"                   COMEDY: teens finish watching Breaking Bad "wow, more like breaking GOOD" "...i said, more like break-" "we heard you the first time dick"

NO COUCH TO CRY ON: 'NOT IN THERAPY' CLIQUE YEARNS FOR FREUD TO ROLL IN THEIR HOMEROOM

BURLINGTON, VT - In a high school where sharing your deepest traumas and neuroses has become the new cool, the kids not in therapy are feeling decidedly uncool. Burlington High, long known for its superb cafeteria food and cutthroat chess club, has added a new feather to its cap: becoming the epicenter of the teen therapy trend.

struggling teen

Once upon a time, being in therapy might have gotten you strange looks, but these days at Burlington, it gets you invites to the most exclusive post-session venting parties. The more Freudian your slips, the cooler you are - leaving those outside the therapy bubble feeling left out in the cold.

The 'Not in Therapy' gang, once commended for their emotional resilience, now find themselves yearning for a taste of the psychoanalytical pie. Their pleas for schoolwide group therapy sessions fall on deaf ears, while their self-organized “lunchtime lament sessions” in the library continue to fly under the radar.

Meanwhile, the ‘In Therapy’ clique, armed with an arsenal of self-awareness and fashionable emotional baggage, are lapping up the attention. As Taylor, their charismatic leader, puts it, "Maybe if they had a therapist, they'd understand why they're so bothered by us!"

Even the school’s guidance counselor, Miss Patsy Collins, is baffled by the sudden therapy boom. "I had three appointments for sprained ankles last week. Since when did physical injuries require emotional healing?"

As the therapy tide continues to rise in Burlington High, other schools may want to prepare for a mental health wave - or at least invest in a few more couches. Until then, the ‘Not in Therapy’ kids can only hope that their dream of Freud becoming a substitute teacher will soon come true.