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BUD: teen regrets getting high on marijuana before school "why are your eyes red?" "umm, i was riding my bike with the windows open" "what?"                   WOW: teen forcibly removed from house by father after he claimed to "not like Justin Timberlake" "YOU WILL RESPECT JT'S TALENT IN THIS HOME"                   POT: teen claims to be experiencing marijuana withdrawal "the room...it's so cold" bro u smoked for the first time yesterday "U DONT KNO ME"                   GAMECUBE: teens gear up for Super Smash Brothers Melee "i'm green falco" "i'm normal falco" "i'm red falco" "i'm ice climbers" "...fag"                   WHY: teens can't understand their failures with women "i wore my best fedora!" did you show her ur beyblades? "no i forgot" rookie mistake                   HIGH TIMES: teens smoke weed after school "dude... sinks are like showers but for your hands" *passes joint* ..bro that's fucking adorable                   GOSSIP: 7th graders talk rumors "i heard tina gave billy a handjob behind the bleachers after school" for real? "yea" wait what's a handjob?                   BADASS: teen smokes for first time "yeah i found this blunt in my moms ash tray" *lights cig* *coughs* "that good kush and alcohol son!"                   BONDING: teen doesn't want to go to school "dad, it's just real fcking gay" "honestly son, you have a point" *father rolls fat ass blunt*                   TRAGIC: teen reportedly "never seen again" after entering a Hot Topic "we begged him not to enter that store" "he belongs to the mall now"                   BANGIN: teen goes on date w/ cute female "how'd it go?" let's just say i'm *lowers shades* not a virgin anymore *still totally a virgin*                   IRL: teen forgets he's not playing GTA V *goes sixty mph on the highway* *jumps out of car* *gets up and walks away*                   MAIL: teen writes love letter to gf babe, ilu more then weed. well, u nd weed r prolly bout equal bc i luv weed alot but still love, steve                   DAFT: teens attempt to stay up all night to get lucky "if we stay awake long enough we get laid, right?" "yea that's what the song says"                   BANGIN: teen goes on date w/ cute female "how'd it go?" let's just say i'm *lowers shades* not a virgin anymore *still totally a virgin*                   VIDEO GAMES: teen gets upset while playing Halo "why's this homo called master chef he never even cooks" "it's chief" "he's not even indian"                   COOL AF: teen isn't comfortable with temperature in his room A/C to 68° "too cold" A/C to 70° "too hot" A/C to 69° *uncontrollable laughter*                   FANDANGO: 16 year olds try to see an R rated movie "i left my ID in-" *fake moustache falls off* "damnit" *sees grown ups 2*                   420: "son, can you look up how many grams are in an ounce?" "oh, it's 28" "why do you know that?" "because i love... the metric system" "oh"

"SPECIAL NEEDS" SPECTACLE: LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL RENAMES ALL CLASSES IN BOLD INCLUSIONARY MOVE

EVERETT, WA - In a controversial decision that's got everyone talking, Elmont's Sacred Oaks High School has taken the term "inclusion" to an unprecedented level. The school announced last week that all classes will henceforth be dubbed "special needs" classes. In response, parents, students, and the wider community are collectively picking their jaws off the floor.

Special Needs

"Every Gen Z student has a special need," Principal Edna Hollister declared, with a conviction that both baffled and surprised many. "In this age of hyper-awareness about mental health, technology addiction, and learning styles, it's fair to say that we all have needs that are indeed 'special.'"

For a few, the move has been a long time coming. "Finally, someone recognizes that my Callum needs his daily avocado toast to function," gushed one parent, whose son is a known aficionado of the hipster-approved breakfast staple.

But for others, the sentiment is less positive. The school’s four "Needs" class students have now been relegated to the aptly named "Super Special Needs" class, causing a bit of confusion.

The situation escalated when the star of the "Super Special Needs" class, Eddie, who actually has a serious physical disability, was accidentally sent to the Advanced Placement (AP) Trigonometry class (now named "Special Needs Trigonometry") because of the confusing name changes. The mix-up culminated in Eddie giving an impassioned speech on the importance of angles in wheelchair ramp design, an unexpected twist that left his math peers in awe and the trigonometry teacher rethinking his lesson plans.

Since then, Eddie has become an overnight celebrity in school corridors, with an increasing number of students lobbying to switch to the "Super Special Needs" class to learn more about wheelchair ramp angles and less about trigonometry. Principal Hollister is reportedly considering this move, reinforcing the idea that every Gen Z kid does indeed have a special need.

Meanwhile, the rest of the country watches, with some amusement and much perplexity, as Sacred Oaks High School attempts to redefine the concept of 'special needs'. Will this bold move be hailed as a victory for inclusivity or a disastrous misunderstanding? Only time will tell. For now, one thing is clear: Elmont High's report cards are about to get a lot more... special.