EVERETT, WA - In a controversial decision that's got everyone talking, Elmont's Sacred Oaks High School has taken the term "inclusion" to an unprecedented level. The school announced last week that all classes will henceforth be dubbed "special needs" classes. In response, parents, students, and the wider community are collectively picking their jaws off the floor.
"Every Gen Z student has a special need," Principal Edna Hollister declared, with a conviction that both baffled and surprised many. "In this age of hyper-awareness about mental health, technology addiction, and learning styles, it's fair to say that we all have needs that are indeed 'special.'"
For a few, the move has been a long time coming. "Finally, someone recognizes that my Callum needs his daily avocado toast to function," gushed one parent, whose son is a known aficionado of the hipster-approved breakfast staple.
But for others, the sentiment is less positive. The school’s four "Needs" class students have now been relegated to the aptly named "Super Special Needs" class, causing a bit of confusion.
The situation escalated when the star of the "Super Special Needs" class, Eddie, who actually has a serious physical disability, was accidentally sent to the Advanced Placement (AP) Trigonometry class (now named "Special Needs Trigonometry") because of the confusing name changes. The mix-up culminated in Eddie giving an impassioned speech on the importance of angles in wheelchair ramp design, an unexpected twist that left his math peers in awe and the trigonometry teacher rethinking his lesson plans.
Since then, Eddie has become an overnight celebrity in school corridors, with an increasing number of students lobbying to switch to the "Super Special Needs" class to learn more about wheelchair ramp angles and less about trigonometry. Principal Hollister is reportedly considering this move, reinforcing the idea that every Gen Z kid does indeed have a special need.
Meanwhile, the rest of the country watches, with some amusement and much perplexity, as Sacred Oaks High School attempts to redefine the concept of 'special needs'. Will this bold move be hailed as a victory for inclusivity or a disastrous misunderstanding? Only time will tell. For now, one thing is clear: Elmont High's report cards are about to get a lot more... special.
