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MODERN WARFARE: Teen decides to enlist for military after raising his kill/death ratio to 1.5 in Call of Duty "i'm ready for anything now"                   PREP: teen frat star walks halls decked out in all Polo *sees black person wearing ecko* *hides* *whispers to himself* "help me mitt romney"                   TEEN TALK: "is the double condom method more effective?" "a condom inside a condom? that's like inception dude" "...more like CONTRACEPTION"                   BALLER: teens discuss their plans while shooting hoops "what are you doing tonight?" *shoots* "nothing but-" *swishes* "netflix"                   POOETRY: Teen fed up w/ eng class "do u love rap music? then class you'll love Edgar Allen Poe" "MORE LIKE EDGAR ALLEN POOP" "grow up steve"                   QUEERS OF WAR: teens argue over Xbox Live "suck my dick!" "no you suck my dick, bitch!" *teens exchange numbers and suck each other's dicks*                   COMEDY: teens finish watching Breaking Bad "wow, more like breaking GOOD" "...i said, more like break-" "we heard you the first time dick"                   FANDANGO: 16 year olds try to see an R rated movie "i left my ID in-" *fake moustache falls off* "damnit" *sees grown ups 2*                   GTA: teen love gaming! "wait guys, don't you think this game is a little offensive to women?" *silence* "LOL JK" *kills another hooker*                   FLAMER: teen boy's house burns down due to his scented candle collection. Firefighters comment "it's the gayest tradegy i've seen in years"                   JOURNALISM: Teen girl claimed she was "literally dying" after reading a text from her friend. Sources indicate she is in fact, not dying.                   GRADES: teen girl prays she doesn't fail her history test "anything but an F, my parents will kill me!" boys reply "i guess she wants the D"                   PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher "can i use the bathroom?" "i don't know, CAN you?" *takes deep breath* *pisses all over teachers desk*                   HIGH TIMES: teens smoke weed after school "dude... sinks are like showers but for your hands" *passes joint* ..bro that's fucking adorable                   JOURNALISM: Teen girl claimed she was "literally dying" after reading a text from her friend. Sources indicate she is in fact, not dying.                   CANDIE: Teen sent to office after making a 'shank' by sucking on a Push-Pop™ over a period of time "7th grades tough gotta stay strapped"                   FADEAD: teens try drugs for the first time "dude i smoked like eleven beers" one teen claims "i drank like 2 weeds and drove" one teen dead                   KILLER KUSH: teens get high "bro i think i'm dead" "ur just freaking out" "i'm srs" *turns into ghost* "damn, that kush was dank" *hi fives*                   CENSORED: 10th grade teen refuses to say "the n word" during a class reading of To Kill A Mockingbird "there were black kids in that class"

"SPECIAL NEEDS" SPECTACLE: LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL RENAMES ALL CLASSES IN BOLD INCLUSIONARY MOVE

EVERETT, WA - In a controversial decision that's got everyone talking, Elmont's Sacred Oaks High School has taken the term "inclusion" to an unprecedented level. The school announced last week that all classes will henceforth be dubbed "special needs" classes. In response, parents, students, and the wider community are collectively picking their jaws off the floor.

Special Needs

"Every Gen Z student has a special need," Principal Edna Hollister declared, with a conviction that both baffled and surprised many. "In this age of hyper-awareness about mental health, technology addiction, and learning styles, it's fair to say that we all have needs that are indeed 'special.'"

For a few, the move has been a long time coming. "Finally, someone recognizes that my Callum needs his daily avocado toast to function," gushed one parent, whose son is a known aficionado of the hipster-approved breakfast staple.

But for others, the sentiment is less positive. The school’s four "Needs" class students have now been relegated to the aptly named "Super Special Needs" class, causing a bit of confusion.

The situation escalated when the star of the "Super Special Needs" class, Eddie, who actually has a serious physical disability, was accidentally sent to the Advanced Placement (AP) Trigonometry class (now named "Special Needs Trigonometry") because of the confusing name changes. The mix-up culminated in Eddie giving an impassioned speech on the importance of angles in wheelchair ramp design, an unexpected twist that left his math peers in awe and the trigonometry teacher rethinking his lesson plans.

Since then, Eddie has become an overnight celebrity in school corridors, with an increasing number of students lobbying to switch to the "Super Special Needs" class to learn more about wheelchair ramp angles and less about trigonometry. Principal Hollister is reportedly considering this move, reinforcing the idea that every Gen Z kid does indeed have a special need.

Meanwhile, the rest of the country watches, with some amusement and much perplexity, as Sacred Oaks High School attempts to redefine the concept of 'special needs'. Will this bold move be hailed as a victory for inclusivity or a disastrous misunderstanding? Only time will tell. For now, one thing is clear: Elmont High's report cards are about to get a lot more... special.