BETTENSVILLE - "We're not talking about the illegal substance here, folks," clarified local police chief, Marvin Higgs, as he wiped the remnants of a chocolate sprinkle doughnut from his mouth. The epidemic he referred to, which has consumed the teens of Bettenville High, was of a more sugary nature. Soft drinks, specifically Coca Cola, have become the lifeblood of the local teen scene, with weekend ragers morphing into sugar-laden soda fests.
Teen parties, once filled with awkward dancing and questionable fashion choices, have taken a fizzy twist. The empty cans of Coke, Pepsi, and sometimes even the reviled RC Cola, are evidence of the sweet chaos these teens willingly dive into.
"The high is real, man. You wouldn't understand," stated Kyle, a 17-year-old with an uncanny ability to shotgun a can of Coke. "When the sugar hits, it's like... I can't even explain it. I need more!"
The dire concern among parents and local officials isn't just about the stomach-churning quantities of soda these teens are guzzling, it's the looming specter of a diabetes epidemic. As such, public health officials have teamed up with local educators to combat the trend.
But despite the significant pushback, the party-loving teens seem undeterred. "Dude, I'm young, I'm invincible. Plus, insulin's a thing, right?" shrugged a 16-year-old partygoer, can of soda in hand, demonstrating a troubling lack of understanding of the serious health implications.
Nevertheless, it seems the teens have developed a new rallying cry for their carbonated recklessness: "Diabetes is no joke, but neither is our right to party!"
Meanwhile, parents of Bettenville are left with mounting fears and an endless supply of aluminum cans. Time will tell if this soda-fueled frenzy fizzles out or if the town will have to brace itself for a diabetic disaster.
