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DISSED: teen engages in a rap battle "dude ur raps are toilet/if i pooped in ur mouth you'd prolly enjoy it" *entire school krumps to death*                   BALLING: Teen takes girlfriend out to dinner "ight babe were gonna split the 60 pc nugget" "a milkshake? idk babe maybe next time"                   TRIPPY: teens drop acid for the first time "grasshoppers are the dubstep of nature" "holy shit bro that's so deep" "i'm a young socrates"                   LIQUOR: teen girls celebrate wasted wednesday *shot #1* turn up! *shot #2* my bf is a totals dickk *shot #3* *pukes all over the floor*                   WHITE GIRL: teen asked what 5 things she would bring to a deserted island 1. uggs 2. iPhone 3. iPhone charger 4. starbucks giftcard 5. my bf                   BUD: teen regrets getting high on marijuana before school "why are your eyes red?" "umm, i was riding my bike with the windows open" "what?"                   FILIBUSTED: student government faces a shut down "our spring fling should be 70s themed" "80s OR NOTHING" presently no agreement is in sight                   GRADES: teen girl prays she doesn't fail her history test "anything but an F, my parents will kill me!" boys reply "i guess she wants the D"                   GROUNDED: teen punished for 2 weeks after parents discover internet history: hot girls boobs vaginas how can i tell if i'm gay? big dicks                   LIFE CHANGING: teen has an epiphany while driving "what if... *slams on brakes* "WHAT IF THEY MADE DISPOSABLE SOCKS"                   BUSTED: a shirtless teen was seen smoking a cigarette while riding a longboard. Police arrested him for being "too cool" in a school zone                   OLD: teen is highly confused "dad what's that?" "its called a newspaper son" "does it get wifi?" "no, its just paper" "well that's retarded"                   PREP: teen frat star walks halls decked out in all Polo *sees black person wearing ecko* *hides* *whispers to himself* "help me mitt romney"                   BREAKING: local mother arrested for throwing out her son's Pokemon cards. Among the cards was a holographic Mewtwo. She faces up to 20 years                   BUSTED: a shirtless teen was seen smoking a cigarette while riding a longboard. Police arrested him for being "too cool" in a school zone                   BAKED: teens get so high on marijuana they "forgot the alamo" "the what??" "DUDE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER THIS SHIT"                   LANDLOCKED: Nebraska teens think about the beach "what do you think the ocean is like?" "it's probably hella gay" "i don't even like salt"                   BOSS: teen gets his homework checked "ya i didn't do it" "you don't have an excuse?" "EXCUSE me but how bout you get the FUCK outta my face"                   SCIENTIFIC: studies indicate that 3 out of every 4 teens smoke marijuana. Coincidentally, scientists also found that 1 in 4 teens are nerds

OLD TECHNOLOGY IS THE #1 KILLER OF TEENS IN 2014

Even though many experts expected the number one cause of teen death to revert to virginity (the number one teen killer in 2012) and a handful campaigned that swag overdoses (the number one teen killer in 2013) would remain on top, outdated technology kills more teens everyday than automobile accidents and bee stings combined.


CAMDEN, NJ - In an area notorious for violent homicides, a new serial killer is on the loose.  iPod nanos, flip phones, corded telephones, and non-flat screen tvs and computer monitors are killing off the next generation of Americans everyday.  Dr. Sarah Buschetti refers to it as the "forgetting the 90s" effect.

"We're entering uncharted territory in American history; starting in 2013, there have been teenagers that weren't born in the 90s."  The esteemed DeVry University professor continued, "the American government had an opportunity to destroy these dangerous artifacts of the forgotten decade, but refused.  They put money into dumb things like the military and cancer research."

many statistics and numbers are facts
Just last week two teens were asphyxiated by telephone cords, fourteen were cut in half by Motorola Razrs, and seventy six were crushed by old computer monitors.  While she believes 90% of millennials will perish before 2017, Dr. Buschetti has some advice for older teens to stay alive "Remember the 90s...whatever you do, just try to remember the 90s."