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BAD HAIR DAY: Teen girl decides to leave school after realizing her hair is "disgusting" an eyewitness stated "i'd still fuck her"                   MIA: "mom i lost my swag!" "where did you last YOLO?" "i already checked my snapback collection!" "well i'm sure it'll TURN UP"                   BREAKING: local mother arrested for throwing out her son's Pokemon cards. Among the cards was a holographic Mewtwo. She faces up to 20 years                   QUEERS OF WAR: teens argue over Xbox Live "suck my dick!" "no you suck my dick, bitch!" *teens exchange numbers and suck each other's dicks*                   BOSS: teen gets his homework checked "ya i didn't do it" "you don't have an excuse?" "EXCUSE me but how bout you get the FUCK outta my face"                   DATING: teen breaks up with girlfriend "it's just not- *curls dumbbell* WORKING OUT for me" that's funny "i kno rite. but still we're thru"                   BANGIN: teen goes on date w/ cute female "how'd it go?" let's just say i'm *lowers shades* not a virgin anymore *still totally a virgin*                   TRAGEDY: local teen legitimately "dies from boredom" "he forgot to bring his iphone with him in the bathroom" "sad day for teens everywhere"                   BETTER LUCK NEXT RHYME: teen loses a rap battle "spark the blunt with my bic, yea boy i'll suck your dick" "WAIT NO HOMO" "stfu juicy gay"                   BONDING: teen doesn't want to go to school "dad, it's just real fcking gay" "honestly son, you have a point" *father rolls fat ass blunt*                   GAME: teen joins a sports team in hopes of getting girls "sup ladies, i'm the quarterman for our school's hoopball squad" *has infinity sex*                   BUSTED: teens get pulled over on the highway "is there any marijuana in the vehicle?" "lol of course dude it's the HIGHway" "have fun kids"                   GERIATRIC: teens talk about the future "isn't it crazy that they'll play dubstep at our nursing homes?" "skrillex is our frank sinatra"                   BAD HAIR DAY: Teen girl decides to leave school after realizing her hair is "disgusting" an eyewitness stated "i'd still fuck her"                   GAME: teen joins a sports team in hopes of getting girls "sup ladies, i'm the quarterman for our school's hoopball squad" *has infinity sex*                   SENSUAL: teen sets up for a perfect date "candle lit dinner, bottle of red wine, and a copy of spy kids on blu ray" *gets 100 blowjobs*                   DRIVE THRU: teens smoke and go to Taco Bell "can i have a taco? HELLO??" dude you gotta lower the window "this is too complicated" *leaves*                   SCIENCE PROJECT: "as you can see, the air flows through the water bec-" THIS IS A BONG "it's called a water pipe" GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM                   OH NO: nervous teen asks out girl "b-becky, do y-you w-wanna- *vomits everywhere* *slips on vomit* *penis lands directly in vagina* "swag"

OLD TECHNOLOGY IS THE #1 KILLER OF TEENS IN 2014

Even though many experts expected the number one cause of teen death to revert to virginity (the number one teen killer in 2012) and a handful campaigned that swag overdoses (the number one teen killer in 2013) would remain on top, outdated technology kills more teens everyday than automobile accidents and bee stings combined.


CAMDEN, NJ - In an area notorious for violent homicides, a new serial killer is on the loose.  iPod nanos, flip phones, corded telephones, and non-flat screen tvs and computer monitors are killing off the next generation of Americans everyday.  Dr. Sarah Buschetti refers to it as the "forgetting the 90s" effect.

"We're entering uncharted territory in American history; starting in 2013, there have been teenagers that weren't born in the 90s."  The esteemed DeVry University professor continued, "the American government had an opportunity to destroy these dangerous artifacts of the forgotten decade, but refused.  They put money into dumb things like the military and cancer research."

many statistics and numbers are facts
Just last week two teens were asphyxiated by telephone cords, fourteen were cut in half by Motorola Razrs, and seventy six were crushed by old computer monitors.  While she believes 90% of millennials will perish before 2017, Dr. Buschetti has some advice for older teens to stay alive "Remember the 90s...whatever you do, just try to remember the 90s."