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IRL: teen forgets he's not playing GTA V *goes sixty mph on the highway* *jumps out of car* *gets up and walks away*                   PUBERTY: 16 y/o feels confident with his newly grown facial hair "one packet of cigarettes please" no "okay!" *moonwalks out of 7/11*                   KILLER KUSH: teens get high "bro i think i'm dead" "ur just freaking out" "i'm srs" *turns into ghost* "damn, that kush was dank" *hi fives*                   BLAZED: pre-teens have their first sips of beer "when am i gonna get high?" "i've had like three. i.....i think i'm feelin it"                   TWITTER: teen faces crucial decision "i wanna rewrite my typo'd tweet but it already got three favs" "MY LIFE IS PAIN" *jumps off bridge*                   BROAH: teens "out bro" each other "sup bro?" "sup bromo sapien?" "sup tony bromo?" "sup BROSEIDON, KING OF THE BROCEAN, SLAYER OF MERM POON"                   WOAH: teens get rowdy while driving "yo call that guy a fag and then drive off" "FAG!" "haha yes, we are so badass" *everyone high fives*                   SMOOTH: teen uses a classic pickup line "you like marijuana?" ummm, yeah! "marijuwanna suck my dick?" *gets laid so hard*                   YUNG LOVE: teen receives a text from his gf "i miss u" "i literally just left your house" "k" *throws phone at wall*                   TEEN TALK: "is the double condom method more effective?" "a condom inside a condom? that's like inception dude" "...more like CONTRACEPTION"                   TRILL SMITH: teen claims to be "too trill for homework" "you think ima need to know algebra when i'm a famous rapper?" "bitch swerve"                   EARLY BIRD: teen gets woken up "why would you wake me up at such an UNGODLY HOUR??" dude it's 10:30 "JESUS CHRIST ITS PRACTICALLY YESTERDAY"                   BUDS: teens smoke marijuana "dude, could you imagine if weed was illegal?" "it is illegal" "WHAT??" *throws bong out window, flees country*                   NO: teen in critical condition after asserting "digimon was way cooler than pokemon" "there's some things you just can't fucking say steve"                   TRILL SMITH: teen claims to be "too trill for homework" "you think ima need to know algebra when i'm a famous rapper?" "bitch swerve"                   FILIBUSTED: student government faces a shut down "our spring fling should be 70s themed" "80s OR NOTHING" presently no agreement is in sight                   RAP GAME: teen claims to have "2nd degree murdered" the track after rhyming "zimmerman" with "swimmer tan" however a florida jury disagreed                   SMOOTH: teen uses a classic pickup line "you like marijuana?" ummm, yeah! "marijuwanna suck my dick?" *gets laid so hard*                   GERIATRIC: teens talk about the future "isn't it crazy that they'll play dubstep at our nursing homes?" "skrillex is our frank sinatra"

THREE TEENAGERS DEAD AFTER LISTENING TO INTERNET MIXTAPE


NEW BRUNSWICK, NEW JERSEY:

Three 17 year old teenagers from NJ were found dead early this morning in one of their mother's basement. Officers say their deaths were a result of a mixtape they listened to on the internet.




"These boys stumbled across a RARE LIFESTYLES mixtape, specifically #slappers. Music like this is way too extremely fucking rare to just be listened to on a whim" - James Plunkett (Responding Officer)

All teens were found with their skulls "blowed the fuck up" and their testicles "scattered around the room like jelly beans."

"The bass was too hard. It slapped their brains out of their heads basically. I saw the same thing happen back in 09 when Skrillex started getting popular" - Dr. Mike Lipshitz (Local Coroner)

We here at Teen News urge all readers: DO NOT LISTEN to the following mixtape. It can cause death via brain slappage.

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