Menu

BUD: teen regrets getting high on marijuana before school "why are your eyes red?" "umm, i was riding my bike with the windows open" "what?"                   ICEBREAKER: teen screws up a classic pick-up line "so babe you ever weigh a polar bear" "what?" *breaks ice on girl's head* "wanna make out"                   SCOOTIN: a local teen was officially "given back his virginity" after being spotted riding around on a Razor Scooter™ earlier today                   SO CLOSE: teen blows it at the last minute "ready for sex girl?" oh yea! *sound of velcro shoes coming off* *pussy becomes drier than paper*                   MAIL: teen writes love letter to gf babe, ilu more then weed. well, u nd weed r prolly bout equal bc i luv weed alot but still love, steve                   CIGS: teen takes up smoking to appear cooler to his peers "have you taken up smoking?" "yes, i have" "you appear cooler to me now"                   GAMER: teens play Metroid Prime "did you know Samus is a chick?" *turns off gamecube* "no" *breaks disk in half* "no i did not"                   SENSUAL: teen sets up for a perfect date "candle lit dinner, bottle of red wine, and a copy of spy kids on blu ray" *gets 100 blowjobs*                   MAIL: teen writes love letter to gf babe, ilu more then weed. well, u nd weed r prolly bout equal bc i luv weed alot but still love, steve                   420: teens smoke after school "dude, do you ever think like, what if you were a chick? like what if- "WHAT IF YOU PASSED THE FUCKING BLUNT?"                   BUSTED: teens get pulled over on the highway "is there any marijuana in the vehicle?" "lol of course dude it's the HIGHway" "have fun kids"                   TURNT: 7th graders go H.A.M. for Billy's 13th BDay "dude i just chugged 3 Kool-Aid Jammerz" "i think im starting to feel it"                   MAIL: teen writes love letter to gf babe, ilu more then weed. well, u nd weed r prolly bout equal bc i luv weed alot but still love, steve                   NICE: teens prepare for finals "i took like 120 mg's of adderall" "i didn't even study. i just organized my itunes library for 6 hours"                   BUSTED: teens get pulled over on the highway "is there any marijuana in the vehicle?" "lol of course dude it's the HIGHway" "have fun kids"                   BUSTED: a shirtless teen was seen smoking a cigarette while riding a longboard. Police arrested him for being "too cool" in a school zone                   WOAH: teen makes friends at new school "sup guys, my name's chad and i think beer is cool" *gets invited to every party in a 20 mile radius*                   BUD: teen regrets getting high on marijuana before school "why are your eyes red?" "umm, i was riding my bike with the windows open" "what?"                   PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher "can i use the bathroom?" "i don't know, CAN you?" *takes deep breath* *pisses all over teachers desk*

THIS IS FORTY: teen finds the perfect birthday gift for his mother "i'm not going to call her a 'bitch' today"

POUGHKEEPSIE - It's a day that will be remembered in the annals of Poughkeepsie. Local teen, Eddie "Skate Rat" Thompson, known for his exceptional ability to push his mother's patience to the breaking point, made a revolutionary birthday promise. For his mom's 40th birthday, he swore off his daily tradition of punctuating every sentence with the endearing moniker, "bitch."

Angry Teen and Happy Mom

Residents are reportedly in shock, with some hypothesizing that the local water supply has been contaminated with trace amounts of respect for elders. However, others believe the change of heart can be traced back to a single, pivotal moment.

"Eddie fell off his skateboard and couldn't call his mom a 'bitch' because his jaw was wired shut," recalled local pharmacist, Gertie McCormick. "For a whole week, the air felt different. Less...charged."

Since Eddie's proclamation, the entire town has been riding a wave of mild bewilderment. Even Eddie's own friends are struggling to understand this newfound restraint.

"I mean, is she not a bitch anymore?" mused Eddie's best friend, Mikey "Scab" O'Rourke, scratching his head with his board. "Like, did she have a bitch-ectomy or something?"

But, of course, the person most affected by this change is Eddie's mom, Martha Thompson. "Honestly, it's the best gift I could have asked for," she said, her eyes welling up with tears. "I was preparing for the usual 'bitch'-laden tirade, but instead, he gave me the gift of silence. Well, not total silence, but comparatively, it's golden."

With this new era in Poughkeepsie history dawning, the town waits with bated breath. Will Eddie hold to his word? Or will his mother's 41st birthday see the return of the 'bitch' storm? Only time will tell.