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GOSSIP: 7th graders talk rumors "i heard tina gave billy a handjob behind the bleachers after school" for real? "yea" wait what's a handjob?                   CENSORED: 10th grade teen refuses to say "the n word" during a class reading of To Kill A Mockingbird "there were black kids in that class"                   FRESH: teen learns the true power of swag *stomps into the club wearing light up sneakers* "sup bitches" *gets dick sucked to death*                   GROUNDED: teen punished for 2 weeks after parents discover internet history: hot girls boobs vaginas how can i tell if i'm gay? big dicks                   FILIBUSTED: student government faces a shut down "our spring fling should be 70s themed" "80s OR NOTHING" presently no agreement is in sight                   WOW: teen forcibly removed from house by father after he claimed to "not like Justin Timberlake" "YOU WILL RESPECT JT'S TALENT IN THIS HOME"                   SIZZURP: Teens shocked after idol Lil Wayne goes into a codeine coma. "#PrayForWeezy" "if he dies we should def get school off"                   SIZZURP: Teens shocked after idol Lil Wayne goes into a codeine coma. "#PrayForWeezy" "if he dies we should def get school off"                   LIQUOR: teen girls celebrate wasted wednesday *shot #1* turn up! *shot #2* my bf is a totals dickk *shot #3* *pukes all over the floor*                   GAMER: teens play Metroid Prime "did you know Samus is a chick?" *turns off gamecube* "no" *breaks disk in half* "no i did not"                   420: "son, can you look up how many grams are in an ounce?" "oh, it's 28" "why do you know that?" "because i love... the metric system" "oh"                   WHY: teens can't understand their failures with women "i wore my best fedora!" did you show her ur beyblades? "no i forgot" rookie mistake                   PUBERTY: 16 y/o feels confident with his newly grown facial hair "one packet of cigarettes please" no "okay!" *moonwalks out of 7/11*                   UNDERCOVER: mysterious teen tries to disuade his peers "maybe we should wait until we're 21 to drink" *moustache falls off* "WTF DAD"                   420: "son, can you look up how many grams are in an ounce?" "oh, it's 28" "why do you know that?" "because i love... the metric system" "oh"                   RADICAL: "hip dad" interacts with teenage children "sup kids? you guys feeling YOLO today?" dad no "this dinner sure is MAJOR SWAG" DAD WHY                   BETTER LUCK NEXT RHYME: teen loses a rap battle "spark the blunt with my bic, yea boy i'll suck your dick" "WAIT NO HOMO" "stfu juicy gay"                   TRILL SMITH: teen claims to be "too trill for homework" "you think ima need to know algebra when i'm a famous rapper?" "bitch swerve"                   MUSIC: h/s senior receives detention after arguing with his teacher "i said lil b is better than elton john" "i guess mr. ross isn't based"

TEEN INVENTS SPF 5000 SUNSCREEN, PROMISES IMMORTALITY AND NO TAN LINES

Summer is here, and along with it, the race to find that perfect sunscreen that blocks harmful UV rays yet somehow magically avoids those pesky tan lines. Well, look no further! 17-year-old prodigy, Frankie 'SunBlocker' Nguyen, claims he's invented a sunscreen so potent it offers an SPF of 5000, promises no tan lines, and as a bonus, confers immortality. Yes, you read that right.



While most of us were busy lounging around, this audacious teen from Fresno, CA, spent the first half of his summer vacation in his makeshift lab (formerly his parent's garden shed). The SPF 5000 sunscreen, fittingly named 'Forever Young', is touted as the teen's solution to not only sunburns, but also the existential dread of growing old.

"I just think aging is super uncool, dude. And those weird tan lines after beach day, even worse!" says Frankie, holding a suspiciously glowing bottle of the alleged miracle lotion.

According to Frankie, the sunscreen combines broad-spectrum UV protection with exotic ingredients such as crushed unicorn horn, rainbow extract, and the ever-essential component of teenage hope. However, dermatologists, while impressed by his ambition, urge consumers to stick to proven sun protection methods. "Although Frankie's creativity is commendable, the effectiveness of 'Forever Young' sunscreen remains scientifically unproven," states Dr. Smith, a local dermatologist.

Nonetheless, the teen's ambitious venture has certainly stirred up the town. Neighbors line up daily, hoping to buy the product that promises them the sun's warmth without its aging rays. Frankie's school crush, Suzie, was spotted at the front of the line, hoping for a tan-line-free summer and perhaps a shot at eternity.

While the effectiveness of SPF 5000 remains to be seen (or forever unproven), Frankie's endeavor underscores how teens today are willing to push boundaries, challenge norms, and get really creative when they find too much time on their hands during summer break.

Next up: Another local teen claims to have developed sunglasses that allow you to see the future. Stay tuned for more on that!