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SMACKED: teen nerd gets beat up by own father "sorry son, but you wore a naruto headband to dinner" "that shit just won't fly in my house"                   POT: teen claims to be experiencing marijuana withdrawal "the room...it's so cold" bro u smoked for the first time yesterday "U DONT KNO ME"                   ELECTED: teen wins over his high school in class elections "if elected... I WILL LEGALIZE MARIJUANA" *entire student body starts krumping*                   WHITE GIRL: teen asked what 5 things she would bring to a deserted island 1. uggs 2. iPhone 3. iPhone charger 4. starbucks giftcard 5. my bf                   OBAMA CARES: teens have no idea "the government is gonna shut down!?" "yea something about a tea party" "wow politics is so gay"                   HARDCORE: teens in egage in a drug deal at school "you got the moll?" yea *hands him 2 flintstones vitamins for $40* enjoy my nigga                   BUSTED: teens get pulled over on the highway "is there any marijuana in the vehicle?" "lol of course dude it's the HIGHway" "have fun kids"                   DIESEL: teen gets pulled over "officer, i know i was speeding i was just really mad" *officer lowers shades* "so you were FAST and FURIOUS?"                   YUMMY: teen "hecka ticked off" after mother packs him "oatmeal raisin granola bars" for lunch "BITCH KNOWS I ONLY FUCKS WIT CHOCOLATE CHIP"                   YUMMY: teen "hecka ticked off" after mother packs him "oatmeal raisin granola bars" for lunch "BITCH KNOWS I ONLY FUCKS WIT CHOCOLATE CHIP"                   UNEMPLOYED: teen fills out a job application HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY? Yes. IF YES, EXPLAIN. I murder every beat I rap on.                   NEITHER: "which fedora should i wear?"                   BREAKING: local mother arrested for throwing out her son's Pokemon cards. Among the cards was a holographic Mewtwo. She faces up to 20 years                   ROCK: 13 year old considers Creed to be "classic rock" "hey dad, let's spark a doobie and listen to creed" "son, just stop"                   UNEMPLOYED: teen fills out a job application HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY? Yes. IF YES, EXPLAIN. I murder every beat I rap on.                   POOETRY: Teen fed up w/ eng class "do u love rap music? then class you'll love Edgar Allen Poe" "MORE LIKE EDGAR ALLEN POOP" "grow up steve"                   CHAMP: teen is a "winner" "I DID IT MOM. I FINALLY DID IT" *runs up to mom w/ gameboy* "I BEAT THE ELITE FOUR" "who gives a fuck? you're 19"                   DUB: young teen gets his "ass whooped" after he allegedly tried to pay for a gram of marijuana in Trident Layers™                   TRILL SMITH: teen claims to be "too trill for homework" "you think ima need to know algebra when i'm a famous rapper?" "bitch swerve"

DOES DAD MUSIC LEAD TO CANCER? PUTTING THE AC IN AC/DC

A new study by Harvard University has revealed a new form of ear cancer affecting teens at younger and younger ages.  After an extremely complex study, the scientific community is officially ready to label "dad music" a carcinogen.

PHILADELPHIA, PA - For years teens have been tormented in the passenger seat of cars by listening to their father's iPod playlists.  From "Rock Your Socks Off" to "Jammin' Like It's 1974" scientists have confirmed certain music poses a serious health risk to teens.  "Not all bands were created equal." says one anonymous researcher, "And not all bands will kill you as fast."  A particular study surprisingly revealed that music from about 1991 onward has almost no detrimental health effects on teenagers.  However, music before that year has been declared severely dangerous by the FCC.

The most high risk bands for teens apparently are Styx, AC/DC, and Pink Floyd.  Further research promises to reveal more "carcinogenic communications" by 2016.  However, the federal government recommends to people born after the year 1995 to react accordingly, and call your dad or step dad a "shitty person who likes shitty music" if involved in a potentially life threatening situation. Whether it be in the car, in the house, or at a barbecue, one exposure is all it takes.

Teen News was able to get an exclusive statement from a Pennsylvanian teen currently afflicted with a terminal form of this recently discovered disease.  "When my old man put on Highway to Hell, I never considered how literal that song would be."