MIDTOWN - Amid the hustle and bustle of Midtown, a teen named Joey has been caught in a crappy situation - he hasn't pooped in two weeks.
"Call me the constipation king, dude," Joey muttered, wincing as he tried to sit comfortably on his cushioned throne. To the uninitiated, it seems like a silly situation. However, those in the know would tell you this is no laughing matter. Not pooping for two weeks? That's one rough ride!
While his friends spend their time worrying about video games and the latest TikTok trends, Joey has been more concerned with fiber content and the optimal squatting position. "I used to laugh at bran muffins and prune juice commercials," Joey confessed, "Not anymore. Those people are onto something."
Initially, Joey attempted to keep his gastrointestinal issue under wraps. After all, what teen wants to be known as the one who can't poop? But as days turned into weeks, the situation became too pressing (or rather, un-pressing) to ignore.
In desperation, Joey reached out to his friend Karen, known for her medical knowledge gained from countless hours of "Grey's Anatomy" binge-watching. "She told me to relax and maybe try some yoga poses," Joey recounted, "Downward dog, more like downward log."
Even the school nurse was stumped by Joey's predicament. She suggested some laxatives and a whole lot of water. "I've been chugging water so much, I feel like a freaking camel," Joey groaned. Yet, despite the hydration and over-the-counter remedies, the throne remained unclaimed.
As word of his predicament spread, Joey became the butt of some jokes in school. Pranksters left cans of beans in his locker, and the school band serenaded him with a trumpet-heavy rendition of "Can't Hold Us."
However, our brave hero remains positive. He has taken it upon himself to educate his peers about the importance of bowel health. "You don't know what you got 'till it's gone, dude," he sighed, patting his bloated belly.
As Joey enters week three of his poopocalypse, the entire school holds its breath (hopefully, not near any bathrooms). Will Joey be victorious in his battle against constipation? Only time and possibly a successful bowel movement will tell.
Stay tuned, folks. This is one movement we are all eagerly awaiting!
