LOVE IS A HIGHWAY: first date ends anticlimactically with a bit of a fender bender "i'm still confused how this is my fault...those aholes should have named it a drive-near theater"

DENVER, CO - In an incident that has left the community both baffled and amused, a local teen's first date at a traditional drive-in theater ended in an unexpected collision with the movie screen. The teen, who has blamed the venue's naming for the accident, has sparked a conversation about the driving skills of today's youth and the responsibilities of entertainment venues.

NO FLEX ZONE: teen breaks up with girlfriend "its just not- *curls dumbbell* WORKING OUT for me" "that's funny" "i kno rite. but still we're still thru"

PHOENIX, AZ - In a shocking turn of events that has left the local gym community absolutely shook, a teen known only as Chad Flexington III has broken up with his girlfriend, Tiffany Toned, in what can only be described as the most lit breakup of the century. The incident occurred at Bicep Bliss Gym, where the couple was spotted working out together before things took a turn for the dramatic.

BOY LUNCH: guys at a local high school feel left out "can i get some boob action as a side?" "i really want to feel the repressed rage in this sandwich"

WINDFALL CITY - High schools, typically known for their outdated textbooks and relentless teenage drama, took an unexpected turn at Windfall City High when the male student body made a perplexing discovery: they were missing out on some prime cafeteria specials. How? Well, apparently someone decided that it's "Girl Lunch" week in the cafeteria, but no one bothered to give the memo to the gents.

NEW SCHOOL COOL: college teens party with a millennial "you guys got any beer?" *sniffs a line of pure dogecoin* "GUYS GRANDPA WANTS TO CARBO-LOAD"

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ - It was a sight to behold when college teens at Riverdale University invited a millennial to one of their notorious shindigs this past weekend.

BACK TO THE FUTURE: teens confused by time capsule from the distant past "what the hell is a crazy bone" "AI gore? intense."

APPLETON, NJ - A group of unsuspecting teens at Appleton High got a one-way ticket to Confusionville when they unearthed a time capsule from the distant past.

GREAIT MINDS THINK ALIKE: teens get a response on their career aspiration essay assignment "it looks like ALL of you responded 'As an artificial intelligence language model, I don't have personal ambitions or desires like humans do.'"

ANCHORAGE, AL - Something unexpected has blossomed in the frosty classrooms of Anchorage High: unity. A recent assignment, to pen an essay on career aspirations, led to an unexpected consensus among the city's teen scholars. They all want to be...Artificial Intelligence Language Models?

GOLDEN GIRLS: teen discovers the not-so-wonderful world of porn "bro haven't you ever wondered what your grandma looks like naked?" "..........no?"

BUCKEYE, AZ - Puberty hits hard, and no one knows this better than 14-year-old Tucson resident, Timmy "Tech-Wiz" Watson. After stumbling upon the curious world of pornography, Tech-Wiz took a deep dive into the rabbit hole and surfaced with an existential question of a lifetime, leaving his friends and the entire community utterly flabbergasted.

THIS IS FORTY: teen finds the perfect birthday gift for his mother "i'm not going to call her a 'bitch' today"

POUGHKEEPSIE - It's a day that will be remembered in the annals of Poughkeepsie. Local teen, Eddie "Skate Rat" Thompson, known for his exceptional ability to push his mother's patience to the breaking point, made a revolutionary birthday promise. For his mom's 40th birthday, he swore off his daily tradition of punctuating every sentence with the endearing moniker, "bitch."

SHARK WEEK: new clout chasing trend has teens braving the ocean covered in chum "can you imagine how many insta followers i'll get if it rips of my freaking arm"

SUNNYDALE BEACH - A new wave of thrill-seeking teens is hitting Sunnydale's shores, and it's making the town's old guard of surfers feel like they're swimming with guppies. The latest TikTok trend, dubbed #ChumDive, sees adrenaline-addled teens diving into the ocean covered head-to-toe in fish guts and blood, all in an effort to chase that elusive viral fame.

COKED UP: teens just want to party "I NEED MORE" "dude put the contraband down, diabetes is no joke"

BETTENSVILLE - "We're not talking about the illegal substance here, folks," clarified local police chief, Marvin Higgs, as he wiped the remnants of a chocolate sprinkle doughnut from his mouth. The epidemic he referred to, which has consumed the teens of Bettenville High, was of a more sugary nature. Soft drinks, specifically Coca Cola, have become the lifeblood of the local teen scene, with weekend ragers morphing into sugar-laden soda fests.