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CLASSIC: 7th grader settles down and watches Family Guy *peter farts on screen for 45 seconds* "seth macfarlane is nothing short of genius"                   HIGH: teens smoke while their parents are out "WAIT get the dog outta here. he'll tell my mom" *stares at dog for 30 seconds* "you're right"                   BUSTED: a shirtless teen was seen smoking a cigarette while riding a longboard. Police arrested him for being "too cool" in a school zone                   GAME: teen joins a sports team in hopes of getting girls "sup ladies, i'm the quarterman for our school's hoopball squad" *has infinity sex*                   SCIENCE PROJECT: "as you can see, the air flows through the water bec-" THIS IS A BONG "it's called a water pipe" GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM                   WHIP GAME: teens hit the go kart track "mushrooms and racing was a great idea" "i feel like mario" "haha steve is just staring at the wheel"                   PROGRESSIVE: teens talk car insurance "would you bang Flo?" "i'd let her suck my dick" "i'd be down for a-" *lowers shades* "flojob" *high5*                   RADICAL: "hip dad" interacts with teenage children "sup kids? you guys feeling YOLO today?" dad no "this dinner sure is MAJOR SWAG" DAD WHY                   BROAH: teens "out bro" each other "sup bro?" "sup bromo sapien?" "sup tony bromo?" "sup BROSEIDON, KING OF THE BROCEAN, SLAYER OF MERM POON"                   BETTER LUCK NEXT RHYME: teen loses a rap battle "spark the blunt with my bic, yea boy i'll suck your dick" "WAIT NO HOMO" "stfu juicy gay"                   STONED: teen takes his first ever "bong hit" "make sure you drink the bong water, it gets you super baked" "really?" "yea dude trust me"                   BUSTED: teens get pulled over on the highway "is there any marijuana in the vehicle?" "lol of course dude it's the HIGHway" "have fun kids"                   MUGSHOT: arrested teen makes an odd request while being processed "can you please sepia filter this shot" "also can you hashtag it badass?"                   POOETRY: Teen fed up w/ eng class "do u love rap music? then class you'll love Edgar Allen Poe" "MORE LIKE EDGAR ALLEN POOP" "grow up steve"                   STONED: teen takes his first ever "bong hit" "make sure you drink the bong water, it gets you super baked" "really?" "yea dude trust me"                   NOSTALGIA: HS sophomores reminisce about simpler times "remember the 90's?" "not at all"                   SO CLOSE: teen blows it at the last minute "ready for sex girl?" oh yea! *sound of velcro shoes coming off* *pussy becomes drier than paper*                   FUN: college teens live it up "i thought tonight we'd go classy, so i bought the $18 vodka instead of the $12 one" "WE'LL DRINK LIKE KINGS"                   MIA: "mom i lost my swag!" "where did you last YOLO?" "i already checked my snapback collection!" "well i'm sure it'll TURN UP"

THE HOBBIT: DESOLATION OF SMAUG TEEN GIRL REVIEW


Elves, swords, magic, dragons, and accents; a nerd's wet dream put on the big screen by Peter Jackson for the 5th time.  Except, teen news doesn't really care about what the target audience thinks about the second edition of the first novel written by nerd king J.R.R. Tolkien, so we sent a teen girl with no knowledge of anything about the Lord of The Rings to go and watch the film for us.


TN: Happy Holidays Ashley.
Ashley: Merry Christmas! And call me ash.
TN: So what was your initial feeling before going into the movie theater?
Ash: Hungry.
TN: About the movie.
Ash: Well like I knew the Hobbits were little people and I figured Smaug was an evil hobbit that-
TN: You thought Smaug was a hobbit? Did you see the Dragon in the previews?
Ash: I forgot lol.
TN: Ok, so walk us through some of the memorable parts of the movie.
Ash: It started off with these dwarves and I thought they were really little until the hobbit man, not smaug the good hobbit, was walking next to them and I was like oh shit maybe everybody is little as fuck.  But then there was this old dude who was like WAY WAY taller and I kinda laughed because of how small everyone was.
TN: Continue...
Ash: Anyway, I thought Orlando Bloom was in the movie so I was kinda waiting for that and then he was in the movie and he was WAY WAY hot.
TN: How was Orlando Bloom's performance in the movie? How was the character Legolas implemented in the storyline before the Lord of the Rings trilogy takes place?
Ash: He was SO hot.
TN: But what was his character doing?
Ash: Oh right right, his character was hot too.
TN: I see, were there any other stand out performances?
Ash: Well like the dwarf leader dude was actually like really hot too.  I don't normally like short dudes, lol, but if he was taller he'd be so hot.  And WAIT, Oh my god, right before I fell asleep there was this hot guy who looked kind of like Orlando Bloom who was taking these hobbits through this like city and he seemed like a good guy.
TN: You...fell asleep?
Ash: Yah, I was tired.
TN: When?
Ash: Apparently right before they got inside the mountain and were fighting Smaug or whatever.  I woke up at the end and asked who the dragon was and some old dude said Smaug and I was like lol I thought Smaug was a hobbit.
TN:
Ash: What!
TN: ...thanks for your time Ashley.




25 Days of Christmas
December 1st Advent Calendars
December 2nd Holiday Decorating
December 3rd WTF Happened To The Radio Part 1
December 4th Christmas Trees Are Just Plants
December 5th Hanukkah In Review
December 6th "Happy Holidays"
December 7th Ebay Christmas Ornaments
December 8th Dear Santa,
December 9th Holiday Drinks
December 10th Pumpkin Spice Latte VS. Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino
December 11th Snow Blows
December 12nd XXX-Mas
December 13th Desolation of Smaug (Christmas)
December 14th WTF Happened To The Radio Part 2
December 15th Wait, Christmas Is Religious AF
December 16th Rudolph - The Ginger Reindeer
December 17th What To Get Your Girlfriend For Christmas
December 18th Chlamydia - The Real Grinch
December 19th Why You Want To Be On The Naughty List
December 20th Christmas Movies...That Will Get You Laid
December 21st Looking Back At The End Of The World
December 22nd Stocking Stuffers (NSFW)
December 23rd Last Second Gifts
December 24th Twas The Night Before Christmas
December 25th Merry F****** Christmas

 Teen News review of The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug - Might not keep you awake, but there are at least three hot guys and apparently there's a scene involving a huge dragon that may or may not be good.  No rating so go see it and judge it for yourself instead of relying on this stupid website.