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CIGS: teen takes up smoking to appear cooler to his peers "have you taken up smoking?" "yes, i have" "you appear cooler to me now"                   CHAT: teens talk on AIMâ„¢ Sk8rBoy - did she blow u? Dude86 - yea, but she sucked dick at it Sk8rBoy - is that good or bad? Dude86 - lmao dude                   BEEFIN: 7th grader claims to "have beef" w/ his mother after she forgot to pack Zebra Cakes in his lunchbox "bitch knows i need my z cakes"                   SCOOTIN: a local teen was officially "given back his virginity" after being spotted riding around on a Razor Scooterâ„¢ earlier today                   STONED: teen takes his first ever "bong hit" "make sure you drink the bong water, it gets you super baked" "really?" "yea dude trust me"                   SOLAR SHOUTOUT: teens study for astronomy "earth is a planet, whats the sun?" "its our world's star" "WORLDSTAR?" "WORLDSTAR" *they go nuts*                   FAMILY DINNER: "mom what are we eating?" "we're having pasta" *mom puts on dubstep* "with a side of TURNIP" *everyone goes fucking nuts*                   YOLO: HS teen takes it to the limit LET'S *turns hat sideways* FUCKING *puts speakers up to 80% full volume* DO THIS *drinks 2 light beers*                   ROMANCE: teens go on a date to see Monsters University *girl tries to make out with guy* "BITCH SWERVE I'M TRYNA RELIVE MY CHILDHOOD"                   GAMER: teens play Metroid Prime "did you know Samus is a chick?" *turns off gamecube* "no" *breaks disk in half* "no i did not"                   DAFT: teens attempt to stay up all night to get lucky "if we stay awake long enough we get laid, right?" "yea that's what the song says"                   DRUGSTEP: christian parents worried about teenage son "have you been smoking dubstep?" "mom what??" "DON'T LIE TO ME WHERE'S THE SKRILLEX"                   HIGH: teens smoke while their parents are out "WAIT get the dog outta here. he'll tell my mom" *stares at dog for 30 seconds* "you're right"                   HOLLAWEEN: Teens discuss their halloween costumes "im dressin up as a mocha frappe gonna be watchin the bitches flock" "im going as molly"                   DAFT: teens attempt to stay up all night to get lucky "if we stay awake long enough we get laid, right?" "yea that's what the song says"                   EASY LIVIN: teens are out of school and ready to let loose for the summer! "yo man i'm bored af" "me too"                   BAD HAIR DAY: Teen girl decides to leave school after realizing her hair is "disgusting" an eyewitness stated "i'd still fuck her"                   MAKING WUB: teen credits dubstep for his success with the ladies "you can't spell skrillex without killr sex"                   FUN: teens prepare for Halloween "okay. i'm mario, jeff's luigi, mark's wario, and steve.. ur waluigi" why am i waluigi? "BC NO ONE LIKES U"

SNOW BLOWS: WHY SNOW SUCKS


On the 11th day of the 25 days of Christmas we learn that the writer of these things (me) is a master fortune teller do to the proximity of this pre-determined article to the snow storms throughout America.  Just friggin' kidding! It was bound to snow sometime am I right? Snow fucking blows.




IT'S NOT ACTUALLY COCAINE

Sure, people can joke around and call sweet, sweet cocaine things like "white girl" and "snow", but that doesn't mean white girls or snow is cocaine.  Which sucks because now we still have white girls to fiend for our yay and snow to lose it in.  Teen News does not advocate the use of sweet, sweet, sweet, cocaine.

TEENS CAN'T DRIVE ALREADY


"i swear i wasn't texting"














Teen drivers are some of the most notorious drivers of our time.  Finishing right behind asian women and old people, mostly because of the popularity of candy crush.  No teen wants to die, and if they did, they'd probably be dead already.

SHOVELING? FUCK YOU DAD

This one goes out to all of the male compadres reading this.  Your dad has a "bad back" and "wants to drink beer and watch netflix" so he forces you to shovel the driveway.  In the 1850s they would refer to this as "definitely not slavery".

IT'S COLD

What do teens like? Sexy chicks, lit blunts, and swag cars.  What are all of those things? Hot. Hot. Hot.  There's no room for this cold ass shit killing our buzz and ironically being the least chill form of H20 there is.

NO SCHOOL

Just kidding. 4/20 blaze it.
25 Days of Christmas
December 1st Advent Calendars
December 2nd Holiday Decorating
December 3rd WTF Happened To The Radio Part 1
December 4th Christmas Trees Are Just Plants
December 5th Hanukkah In Review
December 6th "Happy Holidays"
December 7th Ebay Christmas Ornaments
December 8th Dear Santa,
December 9th Holiday Drinks
December 10th Pumpkin Spice Latte VS. Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino
December 11th Snow Blows
December 12nd XXX-Mas
December 13th Desolation of Smaug (Christmas)
December 14th WTF Happened To The Radio Part 2
December 15th Wait, Christmas Is Religious AF
December 16th Rudolph - The Ginger Reindeer
December 17th What To Get Your Girlfriend For Christmas
December 18th Chlamydia - The Real Grinch
December 19th Why You Want To Be On The Naughty List
December 20th Christmas Movies...That Will Get You Laid
December 21st Looking Back At The End Of The World
December 22nd Stocking Stuffers (NSFW)
December 23rd Last Second Gifts
December 24th Twas The Night Before Christmas
December 25th Merry F****** Christmas