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BAD HAIR DAY: Teen girl decides to leave school after realizing her hair is "disgusting" an eyewitness stated "i'd still fuck her"                   LEGIT: teen gets real "i'm all about three things: pussy, weed, and kill streaks" *rips bong and plays black ops* "...the pussy can wait"                   CHAMP: teen is a "winner" "I DID IT MOM. I FINALLY DID IT" *runs up to mom w/ gameboy* "I BEAT THE ELITE FOUR" "who gives a fuck? you're 19"                   GAME: teen joins a sports team in hopes of getting girls "sup ladies, i'm the quarterman for our school's hoopball squad" *has infinity sex*                   MIA: "mom i lost my swag!" "where did you last YOLO?" "i already checked my snapback collection!" "well i'm sure it'll TURN UP"                   MUGSHOT: arrested teen makes an odd request while being processed "can you please sepia filter this shot" "also can you hashtag it badass?"                   TRAGIC: teen reportedly "never seen again" after entering a Hot Topic "we begged him not to enter that store" "he belongs to the mall now"                   WHY: teens can't understand their failures with women "i wore my best fedora!" did you show her ur beyblades? "no i forgot" rookie mistake                   LEGIT: teen gets real "i'm all about three things: pussy, weed, and kill streaks" *rips bong and plays black ops* "...the pussy can wait"                   FLAMER: teen boy's house burns down due to his scented candle collection. Firefighters comment "it's the gayest tradegy i've seen in years"                   FUN: college teens live it up "i thought tonight we'd go classy, so i bought the $18 vodka instead of the $12 one" "WE'LL DRINK LIKE KINGS"                   BLAZED: pre-teens have their first sips of beer "when am i gonna get high?" "i've had like three. i.....i think i'm feelin it"                   MIA: "mom i lost my swag!" "where did you last YOLO?" "i already checked my snapback collection!" "well i'm sure it'll TURN UP"                   DISSED: teen engages in a rap battle "dude ur raps are toilet/if i pooped in ur mouth you'd prolly enjoy it" *entire school krumps to death*                   FUN: college teens live it up "i thought tonight we'd go classy, so i bought the $18 vodka instead of the $12 one" "WE'LL DRINK LIKE KINGS"                   BARGAIN: teen buys weed for the first time *hands dealer $20* *gets handed bag of chopped leaves* *smells bag* "woah this is some dank kush"                   COLLEGE: teen takes Adderall to help his grades "i'm gunna crush this test yo" *next day* "wait, you have to STUDY also??" *fails hard*                   CHAT: teens talk on AIM™ Sk8rBoy - did she blow u? Dude86 - yea, but she sucked dick at it Sk8rBoy - is that good or bad? Dude86 - lmao dude                   IRL: teen forgets he's not playing GTA V *goes sixty mph on the highway* *jumps out of car* *gets up and walks away*

STARBUCKS: PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE VS. PEPPERMINT MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO


In a world filled with limited time caffeinated beverages at Starbucks there can only be one.  One Starbucks caffeinated beverage to rule them all, one Starbucks caffeinated beverage to find them, one Starbucks caffeinated beverage to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.


FARGO, ND - Starbucks recently declared that after the holiday season when they officially stop serving the Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino they will hold a battle royale.  Ten of the most talented white girls from both sides of the argument will fight to the death to determine if the Pumpkin Spice Latte or the Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino will become a permanent edition to the Starbucks menu.  The losers not only lose their lives, but their beverage of choice will be figuratively thrown into the fiery abyss of Mount Doom.

Teen News met up with both sides before the bloodletting begins on Kwanzaa.

House of Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino
"Winter Is Like Coming I Guess"





















The PM(F)S Girls as they have so passionately been calling themselves were donned in candy cane war suits in their Christmas themed training room. Ten members: Stacy, Sarah, Tara, Beth, Britney, Becca, Katie, Ashley, Alyssa, and Deb; each whiter than the last and all whipping uggs across the room like shurikens.

When asked if they thought they could win, Sarah and Alyssa simultaneously responded "duh" with the confidence of seasoned veterans.  We then asked them how they felt about murdering fellow teenage girls to get their drink on the menu to which they responded "sorry not sorry".  Absolutely vicious.

House of Pumpkin Spice Latte
"A Latte Like Def Always Pays Its Debts"




25 Days of Christmas
December 1st Advent Calendars
December 2nd Holiday Decorating
December 3rd WTF Happened To The Radio Part 1
December 4th Christmas Trees Are Just Plants
December 5th Hanukkah In Review
December 6th "Happy Holidays"
December 7th Ebay Christmas Ornaments
December 8th Dear Santa,
December 9th Holiday Drinks
December 10th Pumpkin Spice Latte VS. Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino
December 11th Snow Blows
December 12nd XXX-Mas
December 13th Desolation of Smaug (Christmas)
December 14th WTF Happened To The Radio Part 2
December 15th Wait, Christmas Is Religious AF
December 16th Rudolph - The Ginger Reindeer
December 17th What To Get Your Girlfriend For Christmas
December 18th Chlamydia - The Real Grinch
December 19th Why You Want To Be On The Naughty List
December 20th Christmas Movies...That Will Get You Laid
December 21st Looking Back At The End Of The World
December 22nd Stocking Stuffers (NSFW)
December 23rd Last Second Gifts
December 24th Twas The Night Before Christmas
December 25th Merry F****** Christmas

The P(M)SL Girls as they jealously called themselves after hearing about their competitors nicknames were all wearing their Halloween costumes in Beth's dad basement.  Ten members: Beth (slutty cat), Alyssa (slutty cat), Katie (slutty witch), Ashley (miley cyrus), Deb (slutty skeleton), Becca (slutty cat), Britney (slutty hillary clinton), Stacy (slutty cat), Tara (not slutty hillary clinton), and Sarah (slutty cat); all with faded summer tans and swinging outdated iPhone 4 chargers like nunchakus.

We started by asking what makes these girls so confident they can win and Stacy volunteered to answer.  "Do you know who my dad is?" No, we didn't. "He's a lawyer, if we lose he'll take you to court."  Naturally the follow-up was to remind them that losing means that they are dead and that murder usually lands you in court, anyway, she responded, "OMG Shut upppp".  That's the icy demeanour of a cold blooded killer.

The Bloodbath Begins 12/26/13.