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420: "son, can you look up how many grams are in an ounce?" "oh, it's 28" "why do you know that?" "because i love... the metric system" "oh"                   DUB: young teen gets his "ass whooped" after he allegedly tried to pay for a gram of marijuana in Trident Layers™                   PRUDE: teen admits he has never kissed a girl "dude how? you're 18" "cause i only kiss women...like YOUR MOM" "YOU GOT ME AGAIN BRO!" *bro5*                   WOAH: teens get rowdy while driving "yo call that guy a fag and then drive off" "FAG!" "haha yes, we are so badass" *everyone high fives*                   YOU GIVE BUD A BAD NAME: teen gets creative "i named my piece Bong Jovi" dude that's sick *rips bong so dang hard* "WE'RE HALFWAY THEREEE OH                   CHIVALRY: teen cooks a romantic dinner for his girlfriend "are you enjoying your ham and cheese hot pocket babe?" "no. not at all."                   ORATORY SKILLS: teen uses a classic tactic of rhetoric in a debate with his peer "you're gay" "no, YOU'RE gay" *teen stands in shock*                   CHAMP: teen is a "winner" "I DID IT MOM. I FINALLY DID IT" *runs up to mom w/ gameboy* "I BEAT THE ELITE FOUR" "who gives a fuck? you're 19"                   LEGIT: teen gets real "i'm all about three things: pussy, weed, and kill streaks" *rips bong and plays black ops* "...the pussy can wait"                   DAFT: teens attempt to stay up all night to get lucky "if we stay awake long enough we get laid, right?" "yea that's what the song says"                   TRIPPY: teens drop acid for the first time "grasshoppers are the dubstep of nature" "holy shit bro that's so deep" "i'm a young socrates"                   RADICAL: "hip dad" interacts with teenage children "sup kids? you guys feeling YOLO today?" dad no "this dinner sure is MAJOR SWAG" DAD WHY                   OUCH: Teen 'eats shit' while attempting to longboard to class "ive been practicing all summer!" "fuck i ripped my favorite plaid shorts"                   TRIPPY: teens drop acid for the first time "grasshoppers are the dubstep of nature" "holy shit bro that's so deep" "i'm a young socrates"                   TRIPPY: teens drop acid for the first time "grasshoppers are the dubstep of nature" "holy shit bro that's so deep" "i'm a young socrates"                   TRIPPY: teens drop acid for the first time "grasshoppers are the dubstep of nature" "holy shit bro that's so deep" "i'm a young socrates"                   TRAGEDY: local teen legitimately "dies from boredom" "he forgot to bring his iphone with him in the bathroom" "sad day for teens everywhere"                   FISH ARE FRIENDS: a white girl posts a facebook status Becky: i'm FINna watch some shark week! Hannah: omg so creative! Becky: love uuuuuuu                   POLNO: Frat teen asks bros if a "black polo and flops" is an alright outfit for his grandmas funeral "dude u gotta at least wear sperrys"

STARBUCKS: PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE VS. PEPPERMINT MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO


In a world filled with limited time caffeinated beverages at Starbucks there can only be one.  One Starbucks caffeinated beverage to rule them all, one Starbucks caffeinated beverage to find them, one Starbucks caffeinated beverage to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.


FARGO, ND - Starbucks recently declared that after the holiday season when they officially stop serving the Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino they will hold a battle royale.  Ten of the most talented white girls from both sides of the argument will fight to the death to determine if the Pumpkin Spice Latte or the Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino will become a permanent edition to the Starbucks menu.  The losers not only lose their lives, but their beverage of choice will be figuratively thrown into the fiery abyss of Mount Doom.

Teen News met up with both sides before the bloodletting begins on Kwanzaa.

House of Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino
"Winter Is Like Coming I Guess"





















The PM(F)S Girls as they have so passionately been calling themselves were donned in candy cane war suits in their Christmas themed training room. Ten members: Stacy, Sarah, Tara, Beth, Britney, Becca, Katie, Ashley, Alyssa, and Deb; each whiter than the last and all whipping uggs across the room like shurikens.

When asked if they thought they could win, Sarah and Alyssa simultaneously responded "duh" with the confidence of seasoned veterans.  We then asked them how they felt about murdering fellow teenage girls to get their drink on the menu to which they responded "sorry not sorry".  Absolutely vicious.

House of Pumpkin Spice Latte
"A Latte Like Def Always Pays Its Debts"




25 Days of Christmas
December 1st Advent Calendars
December 2nd Holiday Decorating
December 3rd WTF Happened To The Radio Part 1
December 4th Christmas Trees Are Just Plants
December 5th Hanukkah In Review
December 6th "Happy Holidays"
December 7th Ebay Christmas Ornaments
December 8th Dear Santa,
December 9th Holiday Drinks
December 10th Pumpkin Spice Latte VS. Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino
December 11th Snow Blows
December 12nd XXX-Mas
December 13th Desolation of Smaug (Christmas)
December 14th WTF Happened To The Radio Part 2
December 15th Wait, Christmas Is Religious AF
December 16th Rudolph - The Ginger Reindeer
December 17th What To Get Your Girlfriend For Christmas
December 18th Chlamydia - The Real Grinch
December 19th Why You Want To Be On The Naughty List
December 20th Christmas Movies...That Will Get You Laid
December 21st Looking Back At The End Of The World
December 22nd Stocking Stuffers (NSFW)
December 23rd Last Second Gifts
December 24th Twas The Night Before Christmas
December 25th Merry F****** Christmas

The P(M)SL Girls as they jealously called themselves after hearing about their competitors nicknames were all wearing their Halloween costumes in Beth's dad basement.  Ten members: Beth (slutty cat), Alyssa (slutty cat), Katie (slutty witch), Ashley (miley cyrus), Deb (slutty skeleton), Becca (slutty cat), Britney (slutty hillary clinton), Stacy (slutty cat), Tara (not slutty hillary clinton), and Sarah (slutty cat); all with faded summer tans and swinging outdated iPhone 4 chargers like nunchakus.

We started by asking what makes these girls so confident they can win and Stacy volunteered to answer.  "Do you know who my dad is?" No, we didn't. "He's a lawyer, if we lose he'll take you to court."  Naturally the follow-up was to remind them that losing means that they are dead and that murder usually lands you in court, anyway, she responded, "OMG Shut upppp".  That's the icy demeanour of a cold blooded killer.

The Bloodbath Begins 12/26/13.