Menu

BAD HAIR DAY: Teen girl decides to leave school after realizing her hair is "disgusting" an eyewitness stated "i'd still fuck her"                   NOSTALGIA: HS freshmen have a "remember the 90's" night "this is gunna be so rad!!" *they sit around and watch Max Keeble's Big Move (2001)*                   FAMILY DINNER: "mom what are we eating?" "we're having pasta" *mom puts on dubstep* "with a side of TURNIP" *everyone goes fucking nuts*                   ICEBREAKER: teen screws up a classic pick-up line "so babe you ever weigh a polar bear" "what?" *breaks ice on girl's head* "wanna make out"                   DIESEL: teen gets pulled over "officer, i know i was speeding i was just really mad" *officer lowers shades* "so you were FAST and FURIOUS?"                   ATTITUDE: teen fired from pizza joint for talking back over the phone "how much will a large pizza feed?" "one if ur a fuckin fatass"                   CRITIC: teen isn't too thrilled with his movie experience "more like the DECENT gatsby, 3/5 stars" "there weren't even tits"                   ICEBREAKER: teen screws up a classic pick-up line "so babe you ever weigh a polar bear" "what?" *breaks ice on girl's head* "wanna make out"                   CHAMP: teen is a "winner" "I DID IT MOM. I FINALLY DID IT" *runs up to mom w/ gameboy* "I BEAT THE ELITE FOUR" "who gives a fuck? you're 19"                   REBEL: teen makes breakfast for dinner "this is not an appropriate time for that!" FUCK SOCIETY *dropkicks mom* I'M MAKING FLAP JACKS                   SCIENCE PROJECT: "as you can see, the air flows through the water bec-" THIS IS A BONG "it's called a water pipe" GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM                   WHITE GIRL: teen asked what 5 things she would bring to a deserted island 1. uggs 2. iPhone 3. iPhone charger 4. starbucks giftcard 5. my bf                   DAFT: teens attempt to stay up all night to get lucky "if we stay awake long enough we get laid, right?" "yea that's what the song says"                   KILLER KUSH: teens get high "bro i think i'm dead" "ur just freaking out" "i'm srs" *turns into ghost* "damn, that kush was dank" *hi fives*                   SCIENCE PROJECT: "as you can see, the air flows through the water bec-" THIS IS A BONG "it's called a water pipe" GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM                   EMPLOYMENT: teen girls fills out job application "should i put down that i was twerk team captain?" "fuck yea i should"                   CANDIE: Teen sent to office after making a 'shank' by sucking on a Push-Pop™ over a period of time "7th grades tough gotta stay strapped"                   ROMANCE: teen learns the power of seduction "i have alcohol, weed, and an open house. wanna come over?" *gets laid to death*                   BAKED: teens get so high on marijuana they "forgot the alamo" "the what??" "DUDE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER THIS SHIT"

HOLIDAY DECORATING: CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS

Day 2 of the teen news 25 days of Christmas and the topic for December 2nd is Holiday Decorating. Your parents are very likely to deck the house out if they haven't already, and either in response or in preparation teen news breaks down the five lamest holiday decorations and of course the reasons why they suck.



5) Nativity Scenes
this is as cool as they get











 There's nothing lamer about Christmas than the birth of Christ.  Anything related to unexpected pregnancy is a total turn off to any babes you might bring over your house because even though condoms are 99% effective against the spread of sexually transmitted diseases they could not prevent the messiah.

*gets drunk and breaks nativity scene*
"jesus bro...i'm so sorry"

4) Trains




                                  

Nope, I don't know why trains are commonly associated with Christmas either, they're an outdated mode of transportation that are only used for pre-gaming in America.

"son help me set up this train set"
"dad are you like 12 years old"

3) Wreaths
a robot Christmas wreath
25 Days of Christmas
December 1st Advent Calendars
December 2nd Holiday Decorating
December 3rd WTF Happened To The Radio Part 1
December 4th Christmas Trees Are Just Plants
December 5th Hanukkah In Review
December 6th "Happy Holidays"
December 7th Ebay Christmas Ornaments
December 8th Dear Santa,
December 9th Holiday Drinks
December 10th Pumpkin Spice Latte VS. Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino
December 11th Snow Blows
December 12nd XXX-Mas
December 13th Desolation of Smaug (Christmas)
December 14th WTF Happened To The Radio Part 2
December 15th Wait, Christmas Is Religious AF
December 16th Rudolph - The Ginger Reindeer
December 17th What To Get Your Girlfriend For Christmas
December 18th Chlamydia - The Real Grinch
December 19th Why You Want To Be On The Naughty List
December 20th Christmas Movies...That Will Get You Laid
December 21st Looking Back At The End Of The World
December 22nd Stocking Stuffers (NSFW)
December 23rd Last Second Gifts
December 24th Twas The Night Before Christmas
December 25th Merry F****** Christmas
First of all, many wreaths are made out of left over Christmas tree parts from the Christmas tree factory located somewhere in China.  That alone makes it lame.  No one wants to look at shitty leftover Christmas tree parts that were made in china in preparation of an event in which we exchange gifts that were made in china.

"nice wreath bro"
"thanks man i genuinely appreciate that"

2) Plush Singing Decorations

sing me a song gingerbread man, sing me a song tonight
I don't think there is a credible argument as to why these things wouldn't be lame.  They're advertised as "soft and adorable" but in reality the Christmas song the plush demon sings will become the background music to your nightmares as December advances.

"can i click the button to make it sing!?"
"BRO I'LL KILL YOU BEFORE I LET THAT HAPPEN"


1) Lights
frustration
Other than those that politically identify as "white trash" Christmas lights are decorations that get put up in December and taken down in January.  The assembly of Christmas Lights lead to over 100,000 deaths every year in the state of Rhode Island alone.  The risk is simply not worth the reward, and death is the lamest thing of all.

"son i could use some assistance out here"
"DAD I DON'T WANNA FUCKING HELP YOU DECORATE"                                   

Check in some time on December 3rd to hear about crappy Christmas music in WTF Happened To The Radio, Part 1.