| Congratulations! You've been hanging things on an evergreen conifer all of your life! Whether it's a spruce, a pine, or a fir, it's still a plant. Why is that a problem? Here are the worst things about plants. THEY GET ENERGY FROM THE SUN  Photosynthesis? More like photosyntheSUS, because it is hella suspect. You'd never see a tree out to dinner with its family, or waiting in the drive-thru line at McDonalds. There's a reason why trees are called "shady", because they are the definition of sketch. How can I trust something that I can't even take out to Olive Garden? THEIR FAVORITE DRINK IS WATER  Wow, plants don't even drink Gatorade. They don't even know the joys of the Pumpkin Spice Latte or the Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino. WHAT KIND OF TERRIBLE THING HAS NEVER CRUSHED SOME NATTY ICES WITH ITS BROS! THEY CAN'T EVEN TALK  |
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| "hey plant what up" *silence* "i'm talking to you plant" *silence* *beats the shit out of the plant* | |
