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CANDIE: Teen sent to office after making a 'shank' by sucking on a Push-Pop™ over a period of time "7th grades tough gotta stay strapped"                   HIGH SCHOOL: teens talk music "you hear the new earl sweatpants album?" heck yes! GOLF GANG!! "damn, we're so #swag"                   CURRENT EVENTS: teens discuss politics "dude, did you hear about syria??" wtf is a syria? "lol idk" *rips bong so fucking hard*                   RADICAL: "hip dad" interacts with teenage children "sup kids? you guys feeling YOLO today?" dad no "this dinner sure is MAJOR SWAG" DAD WHY                   DUDE: teens make their Breaking Bad predictions "dude badgers gunna be the new heisenberg" *rips bong so fucking hard* "that wud be dopeeee"                   HEALTH: teens converse while smoking cigs "can cell phones really give you cancer?" "i hope not" *takes drag* "i'd hate to get cancer"                   DAFT: teens attempt to stay up all night to get lucky "if we stay awake long enough we get laid, right?" "yea that's what the song says"                   BONDING: teen doesn't want to go to school "dad, it's just real fcking gay" "honestly son, you have a point" *father rolls fat ass blunt*                   SCIENCE PROJECT: "as you can see, the air flows through the water bec-" THIS IS A BONG "it's called a water pipe" GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM                   IDIOT: Teen throws big party but forgets one key element "dude i forgot music" "just use ur laptop" "i only have greenday" "mother of god"                   CRITIC: teen isn't too thrilled with his movie experience "more like the DECENT gatsby, 3/5 stars" "there weren't even tits"                   BRAWL: teen loses fight to local bully "i don't get it. i watched the whole 1st season of dragon ball z" "i should have destroyed him"                   BARGAIN: teen buys weed for the first time *hands dealer $20* *gets handed bag of chopped leaves* *smells bag* "woah this is some dank kush"                   CANDIE: Teen sent to office after making a 'shank' by sucking on a Push-Pop™ over a period of time "7th grades tough gotta stay strapped"                   CRITIC: teen isn't too thrilled with his movie experience "more like the DECENT gatsby, 3/5 stars" "there weren't even tits"                   FML: a white teen was seen crying at starbucks this morning after they got her order wrong "here is your mocha frappe" "YOU'RE*"                   DRAMABOMB: authorities are investigating a gas that stimulates drama, experts say it's probably oxygen because teen girls are simply bitches                   FML: teen struggles to get by in a harsh world "my chips are so crunchy that i can't hear the tv when i eat them" "i fucking hate my life"                   WOW: teen forcibly removed from house by father after he claimed to "not like Justin Timberlake" "YOU WILL RESPECT JT'S TALENT IN THIS HOME"

TOP 5 MOST BANGABLE CARTOON CHARACTERS

Everyone has their fantasies. There are far more perverted fetishes than sexy cartoon characters, so fuck you for judging me. Here's a list of the top 5 cartoon characters I'd bang if given the chance. 

1. Lola Bunny

I'd let her play with my pom-poms

Lola is just such a sexy name to begin with. I’m pretty sure she introduced me to my first erection.



2. Ariel (little mermaid)
she got me wet af

Most of you are probably thinking to yourselves “DURRR but Ariel is part human.” Well fuck you cause the broad is clearly a fish and I’d jizz in her gills any day.

3. Articuno (pokemon)


That booty gives me the chills

Now that would be a legendary bang. There’s just something about the rarity of this bird that turns me on so much. I’d definitely waste an ultra ball on this bitch. Not sure it’s female tho. Articuna? I totally feel like Articuno would be a squirter.



4. Cortana (Halo)


I've never had sex with a computer before...

We absolutely adore videogames here at teen news. Although Cortana is artificial intelligence and does not technically exist in our physical universe, she is responsible for my first orgasm. What’s that? You say you didn’t jerk it after beating Halo 1? Must’ve been on some Heroic shit. Legendary or it didn’t count.



5. Minnie Mouse (Disney)
did someone say up-skirt?



Usually I don’t condone anything that’s made by Disney, considering the fact that Walt Disney was a raging anti-semite and a known pen-pal of Adolph Hitler, but not even this Kosher cock can resist that sex appeal of Minnie Mouse. She just glows with classic beauty.