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LANDLOCKED: Nebraska teens think about the beach "what do you think the ocean is like?" "it's probably hella gay" "i don't even like salt"                   STYLE: teen wears new scarf to school "what's that bro? a cum rag?" "nah, it's a pussy eating bib" *walks into girl's locker room*                   KILLER KUSH: teens get high "bro i think i'm dead" "ur just freaking out" "i'm srs" *turns into ghost* "damn, that kush was dank" *hi fives*                   FASHION: as camouflage becomes more fashionable, teens become harder and harder to spot "shit where did Tim go?" "lol i'm right here dude!"                   OCTOBER: teens go on a haunted hayride *throws hay onto females* "HAY GIRL" *throws more hay* "i said...HAY GIRL" "hayyyy!" *gets laid*                   NO: teen in critical condition after asserting "digimon was way cooler than pokemon" "there's some things you just can't fucking say steve"                   WHITE GIRL: teen asked what 5 things she would bring to a deserted island 1. uggs 2. iPhone 3. iPhone charger 4. starbucks giftcard 5. my bf                   LIQUOR: teen girls celebrate wasted wednesday *shot #1* turn up! *shot #2* my bf is a totals dickk *shot #3* *pukes all over the floor*                   COMEDY: teens finish watching Breaking Bad "wow, more like breaking GOOD" "...i said, more like break-" "we heard you the first time dick"                   SENSUAL: teen sets up for a perfect date "candle lit dinner, bottle of red wine, and a copy of spy kids on blu ray" *gets 100 blowjobs*                   BRAWL: teen loses fight to local bully "i don't get it. i watched the whole 1st season of dragon ball z" "i should have destroyed him"                   COOL AF: teen isn't comfortable with temperature in his room A/C to 68° "too cold" A/C to 70° "too hot" A/C to 69° *uncontrollable laughter*                   NOSTALGIA: HS freshmen have a "remember the 90's" night "this is gunna be so rad!!" *they sit around and watch Max Keeble's Big Move (2001)*                   NOSTALGIA: HS freshmen have a "remember the 90's" night "this is gunna be so rad!!" *they sit around and watch Max Keeble's Big Move (2001)*                   BRAWL: teen loses fight to local bully "i don't get it. i watched the whole 1st season of dragon ball z" "i should have destroyed him"                   WOAH: teen makes friends at new school "sup guys, my name's chad and i think beer is cool" *gets invited to every party in a 20 mile radius*                   GRADES: Student receives an "F" on powerpoint presentation for using too many laser sounds in transitions "that sound effect is gangster af"                   BOSS: teen gets his homework checked "ya i didn't do it" "you don't have an excuse?" "EXCUSE me but how bout you get the FUCK outta my face"                   420: teens smoke after school "dude, do you ever think like, what if you were a chick? like what if- "WHAT IF YOU PASSED THE FUCKING BLUNT?"

5 GREATEST WIZARDS OF ALL TIME (AS CHOSEN BY TEENS)

If there's one thing teens love, it's stupid ass shit. This is why I've compiled this list (chosen by popular teen decision) of the greatest wizards of all time. Enjoy


5. Ron Weasley


Coming in at number five, we have Ron Weasley. His biggest accomplishments include being friends with Harry Potter and banging Emma Watson. Emma must have had a little too much butter beer to agree to sex with Ron, but good for him anyway. Also, he's good at magic, I guess

4. Emma Watson


At number four we have Emma Watson. She very well could have come in first, being one of the most powerful wizards in all of wherever the Harry Potter books take place. Unfortunately, she cut her hair, which as we all know reduces your magical abilities by 70%. I think that's true. Regardless, she's nowhere near as cute as she used to be. I'd still hit it tho. For sure

3. Harry Potter's Dad


Quick trivia: what part of a wizard's body harnesses the most magical powers? No, not the nipples! It's the mustache! And who has a better mustache than Harry Potter's dad? No one, that's who. I mean look at that man. He has magic dripping out the wazoo... THE WAZOO

2. Harry Potter


What's that? You look surprised. Yes, Harry Potter is not at number one, but number two is pretty damn good! First off, he has like a buncha books written about him. I never had to read those books though because I was there for the actual events, so let me tell you something. This mother fucker knows magic. Remember when he buried himself alive in cement? That shit was cray cray. This guy practically invented magic. Before him it was all bunnies in hats and gay shit like that. But of course, his powers can only be topped by the person at number one on our list...

1. Lord Voldemort


Ah yes, we have reached the end of our list, and who would be more fitting than the Dark Lord himself? His hobbies include sippin on unicorn blood, killing mudbloods, and going out for sushi. With magical powers that surpass even that of ole' Harry, Voldemort truly is not a wizard you want to fuck with. Many people will tell you that he is dead, but true believers know he is in hiding, waiting for the perfect opportunity to come back and raise some hell. Here's to you Lord Voldermort, you crazy bastard! Keep on wizzin' in the free world!