Menu

WOAH: teen makes friends at new school "sup guys, my name's chad and i think beer is cool" *gets invited to every party in a 20 mile radius*                   COLLEGE: teen takes Adderall to help his grades "i'm gunna crush this test yo" *next day* "wait, you have to STUDY also??" *fails hard*                   YOU GIVE BUD A BAD NAME: teen gets creative "i named my piece Bong Jovi" dude that's sick *rips bong so dang hard* "WE'RE HALFWAY THEREEE OH                   COMEDY: teens finish watching Breaking Bad "wow, more like breaking GOOD" "...i said, more like break-" "we heard you the first time dick"                   SHY: teen refuses to get naked in front of her bf b/c she's "too fat" sources indicate bf "doesn't care" & "just wants to see some titties"                   TEEN CRISIS: "hello 911? yes. my internet went out in the middle of a jerk sesh" "what do you mean this isn't an emergency??" "put obama on"                   VIDEO GAMES: teen gets upset while playing Halo "why's this homo called master chef he never even cooks" "it's chief" "he's not even indian"                   :'(: Girl found passed out after what friends call a 'white girl rampage' "becky was wayyy out of control" "she had likee 11 mochafrapss!!"                   HIGH: teens smoke while their parents are out "WAIT get the dog outta here. he'll tell my mom" *stares at dog for 30 seconds* "you're right"                   POPPIN: local teen overdoses on swagger "once he popped his fourth collar his neck couldn't take the pressure and just snapped" "RIP chad"                   MAIL: teen writes love letter to gf babe, ilu more then weed. well, u nd weed r prolly bout equal bc i luv weed alot but still love, steve                   BAZINGA: teen breaks up with girlfriend for complicated reasons "she liked the big bang theory" "i just couldn't respect her as a person"                   SHY: teen refuses to get naked in front of her bf b/c she's "too fat" sources indicate bf "doesn't care" & "just wants to see some titties"                   CHIVALRY: teen cooks a romantic dinner for his girlfriend "are you enjoying your ham and cheese hot pocket babe?" "no. not at all."                   MAIL: teen writes love letter to gf babe, ilu more then weed. well, u nd weed r prolly bout equal bc i luv weed alot but still love, steve                   DRAMABOMB: authorities are investigating a gas that stimulates drama, experts say it's probably oxygen because teen girls are simply bitches                   FLAMER: teen boy's house burns down due to his scented candle collection. Firefighters comment "it's the gayest tradegy i've seen in years"                   STRUDEL'D: Teens get physical after toaster strudel incident "BRO DID YOU USE TWO PACKETS OF ICING" "yea?" "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE"                   QUEERS OF WAR: teens argue over Xbox Live "suck my dick!" "no you suck my dick, bitch!" *teens exchange numbers and suck each other's dicks*

HOW TO STOP PHONE FROM DYING: THE 1%

Some teens are too young to realize that brave citizens tried to fight for their freedoms back in the olden days of 2011.  Two, long, dubstep filled years later teen news prompts a new discussion on where Occupy Wall Street went wrong, and the realistic goals we hope to achieve in the near future.


THE OCCUPY MOVEMENT

Beginning in September of 2011, a large group of teens displayed their anger towards the 1% battery life (and the impending death of their iPhone) on Wall Street in New York City.  New York City, also known as the "Big Apple", is clearly the BIGgest spot for people that use APPLE iPhones, so the location made perfect sense.  Their battle cry of "We are the 99%" was referring to their nearly fully charged iPhones at the beginning of the movement, a power level that they were fighting to protect. However the movement quickly became disorganized based on the various level of charges of the protesters.  Chants of "We are the 99%" were soon drowned out by cries of "WHAT DO WE WANT!? 80-90% CHARGE! WHEN DO WE WANT IT!? NOW!", "LOL THE 69% IS NO JOKE", "PROTECT THE MIDDLE CLASS, KEEP IT 50%", and of course the notorious "YOU'VE JUST WON A FREE IPAD CLICK HERE".  There was no longer a strong singular message and thus their iPhones died, and so did the movement.

Steve Jobs trying to get the angry mobs to calm tf down

WHAT DO WE WANT

As teens, we obviously want the world to operate in a way where 1% battery life is a thing of the past.  NASA has already tried developing an "immortal phone", but deemed the project a failure after asking for "God's help" and never getting any.  So, teen news has developed a two step plan to solve this crisis once and for all.

1. MORE OUTLETS

There's no way to tell how many teens could be in a room at once so the best way to be prepared for maximum capacity is to put an outlet in literally every free area on the wall.  We'll have to sacrifice wallpaper for this to work, but sometimes it's more about functionality than beauty.

2. IPHONE 4 & IPHONE 5 CHARGERS IN EVERY SOCKET ON EVERY WALL

No matter where teens go after the implementation of this plan they will be able to have fully charged iPhones.  Below is a picture of the plan in preliminary testing.

A nearly complete section 

WHEN DO WE WANT IT

Now.