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NO HOMO: local 6th grader claims he would "suck dick for some lunchables" He further stated that he doesn't know what "suck dick" means                   PUTT PUTT: teen has trouble on his first date w/ female "she beat me in mini golf" that's rough, what did you do? "i left her there" nice                   FUN: teen boys go to their first college party together "we're gunna pick up so many bitches" Reports indicate they "picked up no bitches"                   YUNG LOVE: teen receives a text from his gf "i miss u" "i literally just left your house" "k" *throws phone at wall*                   TRAGIC: teen reportedly "never seen again" after entering a Hot Topic "we begged him not to enter that store" "he belongs to the mall now"                   RAGE: teen plays Pokemon Gold *at pokecenter* *rapidly clicking A* *accidentally clicks A too much and the nurse starts talking again* NOOOO                   WOW: teen forcibly removed from house by father after he claimed to "not like Justin Timberlake" "YOU WILL RESPECT JT'S TALENT IN THIS HOME"                   FML: a white teen was seen crying at starbucks this morning after they got her order wrong "here is your mocha frappe" "YOU'RE*"                   ELECTED: teen wins over his high school in class elections "if elected... I WILL LEGALIZE MARIJUANA" *entire student body starts krumping*                   SURVEY: 7 out of 10 teens agree that 3 out of 10 teens are "lame af" and "will not be sitting at our lunch table this year"                   DIESEL: teen gets pulled over "officer, i know i was speeding i was just really mad" *officer lowers shades* "so you were FAST and FURIOUS?"                   WOAH: teen finds out the secret to girls "it's all about politeness" *pulls out seat* "you look lovely" *ripsticks directly into her vagina*                   YUMMY: teen "hecka ticked off" after mother packs him "oatmeal raisin granola bars" for lunch "BITCH KNOWS I ONLY FUCKS WIT CHOCOLATE CHIP"                   ONLY 90s KIDS: teen tries new pickup lines "damn girl you give me goosebumps cause you are R.L. Fine af" "turn to page 69 if you wanna bang"                   DIESEL: teen gets pulled over "officer, i know i was speeding i was just really mad" *officer lowers shades* "so you were FAST and FURIOUS?"                   RAGE: teen plays Pokemon Gold *at pokecenter* *rapidly clicking A* *accidentally clicks A too much and the nurse starts talking again* NOOOO                   SENSUAL: teen sets up for a perfect date "candle lit dinner, bottle of red wine, and a copy of spy kids on blu ray" *gets 100 blowjobs*                   GOSSIP: 7th graders talk rumors "i heard tina gave billy a handjob behind the bleachers after school" for real? "yea" wait what's a handjob?                   VIOLENT: teen in critical condition after being assaulted during a game of Mario Party "i told that piece of shit not to steal my star"

FOUR THINGS TO KEEP WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES


There are a ton of essentials you may have on a daily basis, but here is a foolproof list of four things absolutely no one should ever be caught without. If it were 2006, a mirror would also be included on this list. But, fortunately, your phone has a front-facing camera that works just as well.

                     

Keys & I.D.: These may seem like a no-brainer, but when you are in a rush, they can be just as easy to forget. Nothing is worse than walking into a test and realizing you don’t have your student card or coming home after a long day and being locked out. Save yourself the trouble by taking a few seconds to make sure you have them before you go. However, if you are going to wear either of these items as a necklace, you are better off without them. That’s a fact.



Chapstick: Contrary to popular belief, forgetting Chapstick is not a legitimate excuse to skip class. I speak from experience.


                                       

Sunglasses: The sun’s rays have no mercy on the hungover, so be sure to have sunglasses on hand after a long night of drinking. Shades also come in handy if you don’t have time to put on make-up or need to avoid making eye contact with an ex.


                                     

A Good Attitude: Whether you are headed to work, class, lunch, the gym, a party, wherever, one thing’s for sure: no one likes a pessimist asshole. Make the best of any situation and you will find a lot more things work out in your favor.