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YUM: teen wins Nobel Peace Prize eating at Olive Garden "the breadsticks are unlimited, correct?" yes sir "perfect" *solves world hunger*                   BEEFIN: 7th grader claims to "have beef" w/ his mother after she forgot to pack Zebra Cakes in his lunchbox "bitch knows i need my z cakes"                   HEART BREAKING: young teen overdoses on marijuana earlier today. Witnesses claim his last words were "dude" and "duuuudddeeee"                   KOOLS: teen buys cigs to impress girls "can i get a pack of boges?" "what kind?" *lowers shades* "the kind that gives you the most cancer"                   BARGAIN: teen buys weed for the first time *hands dealer $20* *gets handed bag of chopped leaves* *smells bag* "woah this is some dank kush"                   SENSUAL: teen sets up for a perfect date "candle lit dinner, bottle of red wine, and a copy of spy kids on blu ray" *gets 100 blowjobs*                   VIDEO GAMES: teen gets upset while playing Halo "why's this homo called master chef he never even cooks" "it's chief" "he's not even indian"                   HIGH TIMES: teens smoke weed after school "dude... sinks are like showers but for your hands" *passes joint* ..bro that's fucking adorable                   POT: teen claims to be experiencing marijuana withdrawal "the room...it's so cold" bro u smoked for the first time yesterday "U DONT KNO ME"                   YUM: teen wins Nobel Peace Prize eating at Olive Garden "the breadsticks are unlimited, correct?" yes sir "perfect" *solves world hunger*                   STUDY: teen crams for exam PREPARE THE LUBE MOTHER *jams textbook into anus* i guess you can say ill be pulling the answers...OUT OF MY ASS                   PUBERTY: 16 y/o feels confident with his newly grown facial hair "one packet of cigarettes please" no "okay!" *moonwalks out of 7/11*                   COMEDY: teens finish watching Breaking Bad "wow, more like breaking GOOD" "...i said, more like break-" "we heard you the first time dick"                   BUD: teen regrets getting high on marijuana before school "why are your eyes red?" "umm, i was riding my bike with the windows open" "what?"                   STUDY: teen crams for exam PREPARE THE LUBE MOTHER *jams textbook into anus* i guess you can say ill be pulling the answers...OUT OF MY ASS                   UNEMPLOYED: teen fills out a job application HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY? Yes. IF YES, EXPLAIN. I murder every beat I rap on.                   TRILL SMITH: teen claims to be "too trill for homework" "you think ima need to know algebra when i'm a famous rapper?" "bitch swerve"                   UNDERCOVER: mysterious teen tries to disuade his peers "maybe we should wait until we're 21 to drink" *moustache falls off* "WTF DAD"                   MODERN WARFARE: Teen decides to enlist for military after raising his kill/death ratio to 1.5 in Call of Duty "i'm ready for anything now"

BARACK OBAMA INTERVIEW: TEEN NEWS EXCLUSIVE:

We here at teen news had the pleasure to sit down with the 44th President of the United States. We asked him the hard-hitting questions in this exclusive one on one interview



tn - So, Mr. Barack... Can I call you Mr. Barack?

bo - Barack is my first name

tn - Wait, really? Oh shit, okay let me start over... Mr, ummmm... What's your last name again?

bo - Obama

tn - That's a weird last name. Is it like Muslim or something?

bo - No

tn - If you say so big guy. Okay, first real question. What do you think of marijuana?

bo - I support states' rights in the legalization of marijuana if that's what the lawmakers and people of a certain state believe is the right step to take

tn - I'm just put down your response as "420 BLAZE IT". That's fine, right?

bo - No. Not at all

tn - Ugh, you're so lame. Anyway, next question. What's it like working with George Washington? Is he really as cool as people say he is?

bo - George Washington is dead.

tn - What?? When did this happen? Why didn't anyone tell me?!

bo - You can't be serious, can you?

tn - *crying* Screw you Barack! How could you be so insensitive?

bo - I think this interview is over

tn - No, wait! Please, I'll get it together. I promise

bo - *lights cig* Just get on with it faggot

tn - Oh snap!! When did you get so sassy B??

bo - ...

tn - Yes, right. The interview. Questions... Let's see here... *fumbles through paperwork* Ah! Okay, you know in the first Harry Potter when Harry gets that Dumbledore trading card? And then Harry's like, where'd Dumbledore go? And Ron was like, he can't be there forever? My question is, like, does Dumbledore just randomly appear in wizard trading cards? How does he have the time? Isn't he doing other shit most of the time? They never really explained that

bo - I... *thinks about the question for a bit until he realizes its retarded* Do you have any serious questions?

tn - Ummmmm, *fumbles through more paperwork* I think so. Here's one: What's it like being the first African American President? Is there a lot of pressure for you to live up to the expectations of great African Americans before you? And do you feel responsibility in being a figurehead for an entire demographic of people that even today still feels the horrors of racism and discrimination?

bo - Well, that's actually a very good question. Firstly, I'd like to-

tn - Oh I'm sorry that's all the time we have. Thanks for stopping by Mr. President!

bo - Go fuck yourself

tn - Okay then