Menu

LIFE CHANGING: teen has an epiphany while driving "what if... *slams on brakes* "WHAT IF THEY MADE DISPOSABLE SOCKS"                   WOAH: teens get rowdy while driving "yo call that guy a fag and then drive off" "FAG!" "haha yes, we are so badass" *everyone high fives*                   YUNG LOVE: teen receives a text from his gf "i miss u" "i literally just left your house" "k" *throws phone at wall*                   GOSSIP: 7th graders talk rumors "i heard tina gave billy a handjob behind the bleachers after school" for real? "yea" wait what's a handjob?                   FRESH: teen learns the true power of swag *stomps into the club wearing light up sneakers* "sup bitches" *gets dick sucked to death*                   DRAMABOMB: authorities are investigating a gas that stimulates drama, experts say it's probably oxygen because teen girls are simply bitches                   KOOLS: teen buys cigs to impress girls "can i get a pack of boges?" "what kind?" *lowers shades* "the kind that gives you the most cancer"                   FUNDONT: Teen hospitalized after tragic fondue accident "i thought the bitches would want this warm cheesy dick" "they didnt"                   PREP: teen frat star walks halls decked out in all Polo *sees black person wearing ecko* *hides* *whispers to himself* "help me mitt romney"                   GAMECUBE: teens gear up for Super Smash Brothers Melee "i'm green falco" "i'm normal falco" "i'm red falco" "i'm ice climbers" "...fag"                   IDIOT: Teen throws big party but forgets one key element "dude i forgot music" "just use ur laptop" "i only have greenday" "mother of god"                   FAMILY DINNER: "mom what are we eating?" "we're having pasta" *mom puts on dubstep* "with a side of TURNIP" *everyone goes fucking nuts*                   NEITHER: "which fedora should i wear?"                   RAGER: dozens of teens flock to the local river after hearing reports that the water is "raging" "turn up!" *drowns in river*                   IDIOT: Teen throws big party but forgets one key element "dude i forgot music" "just use ur laptop" "i only have greenday" "mother of god"                   GAMER: teens play Metroid Prime "did you know Samus is a chick?" *turns off gamecube* "no" *breaks disk in half* "no i did not"                   NOSTALGIA: HS freshmen have a "remember the 90's" night "this is gunna be so rad!!" *they sit around and watch Max Keeble's Big Move (2001)*                   YOU GIVE BUD A BAD NAME: teen gets creative "i named my piece Bong Jovi" dude that's sick *rips bong so dang hard* "WE'RE HALFWAY THEREEE OH                   NO: teen in critical condition after asserting "digimon was way cooler than pokemon" "there's some things you just can't fucking say steve"

BARACK OBAMA INTERVIEW: TEEN NEWS EXCLUSIVE:

We here at teen news had the pleasure to sit down with the 44th President of the United States. We asked him the hard-hitting questions in this exclusive one on one interview



tn - So, Mr. Barack... Can I call you Mr. Barack?

bo - Barack is my first name

tn - Wait, really? Oh shit, okay let me start over... Mr, ummmm... What's your last name again?

bo - Obama

tn - That's a weird last name. Is it like Muslim or something?

bo - No

tn - If you say so big guy. Okay, first real question. What do you think of marijuana?

bo - I support states' rights in the legalization of marijuana if that's what the lawmakers and people of a certain state believe is the right step to take

tn - I'm just put down your response as "420 BLAZE IT". That's fine, right?

bo - No. Not at all

tn - Ugh, you're so lame. Anyway, next question. What's it like working with George Washington? Is he really as cool as people say he is?

bo - George Washington is dead.

tn - What?? When did this happen? Why didn't anyone tell me?!

bo - You can't be serious, can you?

tn - *crying* Screw you Barack! How could you be so insensitive?

bo - I think this interview is over

tn - No, wait! Please, I'll get it together. I promise

bo - *lights cig* Just get on with it faggot

tn - Oh snap!! When did you get so sassy B??

bo - ...

tn - Yes, right. The interview. Questions... Let's see here... *fumbles through paperwork* Ah! Okay, you know in the first Harry Potter when Harry gets that Dumbledore trading card? And then Harry's like, where'd Dumbledore go? And Ron was like, he can't be there forever? My question is, like, does Dumbledore just randomly appear in wizard trading cards? How does he have the time? Isn't he doing other shit most of the time? They never really explained that

bo - I... *thinks about the question for a bit until he realizes its retarded* Do you have any serious questions?

tn - Ummmmm, *fumbles through more paperwork* I think so. Here's one: What's it like being the first African American President? Is there a lot of pressure for you to live up to the expectations of great African Americans before you? And do you feel responsibility in being a figurehead for an entire demographic of people that even today still feels the horrors of racism and discrimination?

bo - Well, that's actually a very good question. Firstly, I'd like to-

tn - Oh I'm sorry that's all the time we have. Thanks for stopping by Mr. President!

bo - Go fuck yourself

tn - Okay then