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PUTT PUTT: teen has trouble on his first date w/ female "she beat me in mini golf" that's rough, what did you do? "i left her there" nice                   HOLLAWEEN: Teens discuss their halloween costumes "im dressin up as a mocha frappe gonna be watchin the bitches flock" "im going as molly"                   DATING: teen breaks up with girlfriend "it's just not- *curls dumbbell* WORKING OUT for me" that's funny "i kno rite. but still we're thru"                   OCTOBER: teens go on a haunted hayride *throws hay onto females* "HAY GIRL" *throws more hay* "i said...HAY GIRL" "hayyyy!" *gets laid*                   NO: teen in critical condition after asserting "digimon was way cooler than pokemon" "there's some things you just can't fucking say steve"                   GERIATRIC: teens talk about the future "isn't it crazy that they'll play dubstep at our nursing homes?" "skrillex is our frank sinatra"                   COLLEGE: teen takes Adderall to help his grades "i'm gunna crush this test yo" *next day* "wait, you have to STUDY also??" *fails hard*                   HOLLAWEEN: Teens discuss their halloween costumes "im dressin up as a mocha frappe gonna be watchin the bitches flock" "im going as molly"                   TWITTER: teen faces crucial decision "i wanna rewrite my typo'd tweet but it already got three favs" "MY LIFE IS PAIN" *jumps off bridge*                   FML: a white teen was seen crying at starbucks this morning after they got her order wrong "here is your mocha frappe" "YOU'RE*"                   WONDERWALL: : teen learns guitar to pick up girls *strums a single G chord* "i'm gunna get so fucking laid"                   CLASSIC: 7th grader settles down and watches Family Guy *peter farts on screen for 45 seconds* "seth macfarlane is nothing short of genius"                   OH NO: nervous teen asks out girl "b-becky, do y-you w-wanna- *vomits everywhere* *slips on vomit* *penis lands directly in vagina* "swag"                   TURNT: 7th graders go H.A.M. for Billy's 13th BDay "dude i just chugged 3 Kool-Aid Jammerz" "i think im starting to feel it"                   WONDERWALL: : teen learns guitar to pick up girls *strums a single G chord* "i'm gunna get so fucking laid"                   GERIATRIC: teens talk about the future "isn't it crazy that they'll play dubstep at our nursing homes?" "skrillex is our frank sinatra"                   FAMILY DINNER: "mom what are we eating?" "we're having pasta" *mom puts on dubstep* "with a side of TURNIP" *everyone goes fucking nuts*                   UNEMPLOYED: teen gets turned down at local super market for putting "rolls hella dope blunts" on his resume "how is that not a good skill??"                   IRL: teen forgets he's not playing GTA V *goes sixty mph on the highway* *jumps out of car* *gets up and walks away*

HOW TO GET GIRLS: 3 PRO TIPS TO IMPRESS BITCHES

The fact that another year of school is starting can be a hard pill to swallow, thank Yeezus that Adderall isn’t. Here are some tips for getting that hoe from homeroom to your room.



1) Paper, not plastic

Everyone knows that pimping ain’t easy, but you know what is E-Z? This year’s hottest rolling papers! 


These things might as well be an E-Z pass to the pussy! Girls are tired of guys who smoke out of weird shit like Gatorade bottles and tin foil. Pull out a pack of these bad boys and her legs will open “wider” than my mouth at the dentist’s office! ( I have a lot of cavities.)

2) Fuck Snapbacks, Just Tattoos

Snapbacks are out, tattoos are in. Tattoos of snapbacks are super in. 


You don’t even need to have a tattoo to impress her, just talk about the one you’re going to get and make sure she hears.
“yup, going down to Apocalypse Requiem Cyanide Tattooz today to get the new tat”
“what are you getting, bro?’’
“thinkin bout a pot leaf with a caption that says “legalize it” in latin”
“nice!”

If there’s one thing bitches love, it’s Latin. And if there’s two things bitches love, its Latin and legislative opinions.

3) Nice 80085!
You don’t need to have Chemistry with girls to score, just math. This device will be sure to turn heads, and later on, have bitches take turns giving you head. Girls love guys who are good with numbers, especially if the number is a drunken 69 in the bathroom before lunch.


“mom, i need some vodka!”
“what!? NO WAY!”
“it’s for school!”
“oh alright”

The only thing you’ll be “deriving” from class this year will be tons of phone numbers from slutty bitches.