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CLASSIC: 7th grader settles down and watches Family Guy *peter farts on screen for 45 seconds* "seth macfarlane is nothing short of genius"                   NEITHER: "which fedora should i wear?"                   GAMECUBE: teens gear up for Super Smash Brothers Melee "i'm green falco" "i'm normal falco" "i'm red falco" "i'm ice climbers" "...fag"                   TURNT: 7th graders go H.A.M. for Billy's 13th BDay "dude i just chugged 3 Kool-Aid Jammerz" "i think im starting to feel it"                   SCOOTIN: a local teen was officially "given back his virginity" after being spotted riding around on a Razor Scooter™ earlier today                   YOU GIVE BUD A BAD NAME: teen gets creative "i named my piece Bong Jovi" dude that's sick *rips bong so dang hard* "WE'RE HALFWAY THEREEE OH                   FLAMER: teen boy's house burns down due to his scented candle collection. Firefighters comment "it's the gayest tradegy i've seen in years"                   BOSS: teen gets his homework checked "ya i didn't do it" "you don't have an excuse?" "EXCUSE me but how bout you get the FUCK outta my face"                   GERIATRIC: teens talk about the future "isn't it crazy that they'll play dubstep at our nursing homes?" "skrillex is our frank sinatra"                   RAGER: dozens of teens flock to the local river after hearing reports that the water is "raging" "turn up!" *drowns in river*                   BUD: teen regrets getting high on marijuana before school "why are your eyes red?" "umm, i was riding my bike with the windows open" "what?"                   FUNDONT: Teen hospitalized after tragic fondue accident "i thought the bitches would want this warm cheesy dick" "they didnt"                   GAMER: teens play Metroid Prime "did you know Samus is a chick?" *turns off gamecube* "no" *breaks disk in half* "no i did not"                   VIDEO GAMES: teen gets upset while playing Halo "why's this homo called master chef he never even cooks" "it's chief" "he's not even indian"                   BUD: teen regrets getting high on marijuana before school "why are your eyes red?" "umm, i was riding my bike with the windows open" "what?"                   SO CLOSE: teen blows it at the last minute "ready for sex girl?" oh yea! *sound of velcro shoes coming off* *pussy becomes drier than paper*                   TRIPPY: teens drop acid for the first time "grasshoppers are the dubstep of nature" "holy shit bro that's so deep" "i'm a young socrates"                   ROMANCE: teens go on a date to see Monsters University *girl tries to make out with guy* "BITCH SWERVE I'M TRYNA RELIVE MY CHILDHOOD"                   PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher "can i use the bathroom?" "i don't know, CAN you?" *takes deep breath* *pisses all over teachers desk*

SWAG CRISIS 2013

Local high schools in the Midwest are currently experiencing one of the most serious droughts of swag in recent years. Experts are dubbing this “Swag Crisis 2013”

“the threat is real and the stakes are high” – 19 year old Chad McBradley, employee at Hollister

Teen news dug further into the investigation to determine the root causes of this swag crisis
“well it started with the snapback shortage earlier this year. without snapbacks people started switching to fitted, and after the fitted caps went out, well, people just moved to fedoras”
*man starts crying*
“so many… so many fedoras”

THE FEDORA: also known
as the virginity cap
Studies indicate that 7 out of 10 students in the Midwest have unironically worn a fedora in the past two months. That’s almost 6 times the national average!
“don’t even get me started on the jorts”, says Marcus Jones, principal of a high school in Nebraska. “if i see one more lily white boy skip on by me in a pair of jorts i’m gunna whoop his ass”

With swag reaching critical levels at high schools across the Midwest, both national and state government are working together to quell the crisis

“If we don’t contain the Swag Crisis to just the Midwest, it might start affecting states that actually matter!” – President Barrack Obama

As the swag crisis slowly starts to spread, parents are advised to check their children’s swag levels at least once a week
“with a low swag level, children become much more likely not to drink, have sex, smoke cigarettes, or do plenty of other really cool activities that are essential for the human body” – some scientist somewhere

We here at teen news recommend that our viewers in the Midwest stay safe by avoiding obvious “anti swag” items such as: fedoras, jorts, New Balance sneakers, dad jeans, mom jeans, dads, moms, condoms, and any music made before 1990

80's music is a leading cause of
swag decay among teenagers

Of course, it’s hard to think of current times without hearkening back to that Swag Crisis of 1939, one of the darkest periods in American history. But with a strong remembrance of the past, our generation too can avert this crisis

“Swag is one of America’s most important resources. This country was built on swag, and I’ll be damned if some anti-swag nerds are gunna destroy it. As long as we as a nation remember to stay based in all that we do, this crisis will soon pass” – President Franklin Delano Roosevelt