3. Kilometers per Hour -- Fast & Furious
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| damn boy u quick |
There's very few things more satisfying than flying down a highway at 100 MPH, but one of the things that is more satisfying is telling your friends about it. Teens love bragging, how else are your friends going to know how perfect you can kickflip or how much swag you recently acquired? 95% of what people know about you is what you tell them so why not use that to your advantage.
FOR MALES: There's pretty much only four things bitches love: money, cars, drugs, and abs. You pretty much need one of them to obtain sex and you probably don't. Lucky for you, girls don't know shit about cars or the metric system and can be easily tricked into thinking you have a fly whip.
"what kind of car do you have?"
"a honda civic"
"oh...how fast does it go?"
"i usually cruise at about 110 KPH no big deal"
*panties drop*
FOR FEMALES: You're a teen girl so you LOVE exaggerating. In fact you love it so much that you probably would marry it right now if you could. Since you're not a great driver you probably have "dickheads" and "total meanies" cutting you off on the roads daily. Here's your chance to really help your friends understand how much of an asshole that person really was.
"HE WAS GOING 90 KILOMETERS PER HOUR AND I WAS LIKE WHAT"
"OMG"
"I KNOW RIGHT""let's eat some ice cream and cry about it"
2. Kilograms -- The World's Best Diet
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| sorry if feet gross u out |
Everyone strives to be healthy, but sometimes you're too busy playing Call of Duty or watching some stupid sitcom to do anything about it. Not to mention pizza is fucking delicious. Because of our societal values weight is one of the most important metrics in determining to yourself, and others, your fitness. Why not make it sound a little deceiving to your benefit?
FOR MALES: No one goes out Friday night and says "I CAN'T WAIT TO BANG A FAT CHICK TONIGHT" but you'll take a nut when you can get one especially after downing a dozen nattys in two and a half hours. You're gonna wanna give your bros the details, but we all know fat chicks are only worth half as many points in terms of coolness.
"so i banged katie last night"
"the fat chick?"
"nah she only weighs 80 kg"
"niiiiiiiiice"
FOR FEMALES: Don't let your weight define you when you can define your weight.
*looks at scale*
"105 pounds! OMG i'm so friggin fat!"
*looks at scale in kilograms*
"48 kilograms! OMG i'm so friggin fat!"
Sorry ladies, I don't think you'll ever be happy in this regard.
1. Centimeters -- Young & Hung
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| bitches luv naners |
No unit of measurement has ever caused more dismay and distraught than the inch. Pretty much every problem in the United States can be pointed back to the decision to use a standard unit that was bigger than the centimeter.
FOR MALES: duh
"holy fuck my dick is bigger than 10 centimeters!"
*jacks off*
FOR FEMALES: The average teen girl won't admit it but she literally fantasizes about ridiculously huge dicks everyday. She will never tell her male partner how he fails in comparison to her desires, but she will obviously upgrade the length of her man's most important tool when gossiping with her lady friends. We at teen news expect those conversations to now become utterly ridiculous.
"my bf's dick is 25 cms"
"mines 30"
"no way i had this one that was 40"
"jesus...my bf's penis is ONLY 8 inches"
