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MAIL: teen writes love letter to gf babe, ilu more then weed. well, u nd weed r prolly bout equal bc i luv weed alot but still love, steve                   BANGIN: teen goes on date w/ cute female "how'd it go?" let's just say i'm *lowers shades* not a virgin anymore *still totally a virgin*                   YUMMY: teen "hecka ticked off" after mother packs him "oatmeal raisin granola bars" for lunch "BITCH KNOWS I ONLY FUCKS WIT CHOCOLATE CHIP"                   BEEFIN: 7th grader claims to "have beef" w/ his mother after she forgot to pack Zebra Cakes in his lunchbox "bitch knows i need my z cakes"                   HEART BREAKING: young teen overdoses on marijuana earlier today. Witnesses claim his last words were "dude" and "duuuudddeeee"                   DISSED: teen engages in a rap battle "dude ur raps are toilet/if i pooped in ur mouth you'd prolly enjoy it" *entire school krumps to death*                   PRUDE: teen admits he has never kissed a girl "dude how? you're 18" "cause i only kiss women...like YOUR MOM" "YOU GOT ME AGAIN BRO!" *bro5*                   PUBERTY: 16 y/o feels confident with his newly grown facial hair "one packet of cigarettes please" no "okay!" *moonwalks out of 7/11*                   BOSS: teen gets his homework checked "ya i didn't do it" "you don't have an excuse?" "EXCUSE me but how bout you get the FUCK outta my face"                   COOL AF: teen isn't comfortable with temperature in his room A/C to 68° "too cold" A/C to 70° "too hot" A/C to 69° *uncontrollable laughter*                   MODERN WARFARE: Teen decides to enlist for military after raising his kill/death ratio to 1.5 in Call of Duty "i'm ready for anything now"                   SOLAR SHOUTOUT: teens study for astronomy "earth is a planet, whats the sun?" "its our world's star" "WORLDSTAR?" "WORLDSTAR" *they go nuts*                   COMEDY: teens finish watching Breaking Bad "wow, more like breaking GOOD" "...i said, more like break-" "we heard you the first time dick"                   TEEN TALK: "is the double condom method more effective?" "a condom inside a condom? that's like inception dude" "...more like CONTRACEPTION"                   MODERN WARFARE: Teen decides to enlist for military after raising his kill/death ratio to 1.5 in Call of Duty "i'm ready for anything now"                   POOETRY: Teen fed up w/ eng class "do u love rap music? then class you'll love Edgar Allen Poe" "MORE LIKE EDGAR ALLEN POOP" "grow up steve"                   BAKED: teens get so high on marijuana they "forgot the alamo" "the what??" "DUDE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER THIS SHIT"                   FRESH: teen learns the true power of swag *stomps into the club wearing light up sneakers* "sup bitches" *gets dick sucked to death*                   FISH ARE FRIENDS: a white girl posts a facebook status Becky: i'm FINna watch some shark week! Hannah: omg so creative! Becky: love uuuuuuu

FIFTH PERIOD BRAWL: SCHOOL FIGHT

A 15 year male teen (who demanded to remain anonymous) was hospitalized for getting brutally beat up by his 'not-so fellow' classmates.

"Everything was going fine" he said until an upperclassman (who also demands to remain anonymous) noticed that he got a manicure
"that's totally gay" witness Sarah F. (15 Sophmore) claimed is what the bully remarked
"but i'm a man, i deserve a MANicure" the victim said right before the bully swung at him, knocking him to the ground.

Whilst the unnamed bully and his friends kicked the 15 year old teen he remarked "don't fuck up my nails bro!" 


The upperclassmen's friends looked at him and continued beating him up, thus the riot of fifth period started

"i don't know I just started hitting people" Jared S. (16 junior)
"i didn't know this is what high school was like, my shrek lunchbox almost broke. my mom would have killed me" Carl T. (14 Freshman)

After four minutes of pure madness only the victim and the upperclassman had major injuries

"gonna have to stock up on bugs bunny bandaids after this one" the elderly school nurse quoted

The staff cleared the fights after a minute and a half and tried to get things back to the normal schedule

"it's those damn vietnamese and their nail salons. scarier than 'nam", claimed racist janitor and former veteran

The Principal refused to answer any questions claiming "who the fuck is teen news and why do they care about a cafeteria fight?"