Tragedy strikes as across
high schools in America teenagers are having a tougher and tougher time “remembering
the 90’s”. We interviewed teenagers ages 14 to 18 and their knowledge (or lack
thereof) about the 1990’s is staggering:
14/m/NJ: “Crazy Bones? I think my dad used
to play with them when he was a kid”
17/m/NY: “What is this? A catdog? How does
it shit?”
15/f/CA: *plays on iphone*
14/m/WI: “I was born in 1999”
Doctors
have performed studies on teenagers using the latest X-ray, EKG, and laser-beam
technology. The results show that the “90’s remembering” cortex of the frontal
lobe of the average teenager has shrunken by almost 60%! That’s a real number
that definitely has legitimate significance.
“I blame Justin Bieber”, says one 35 year
old father who claimed the 90’s were “the raddest decade” because he “got mad
internet pussy”.
 |
KOOL-AID: A popular drink that fueled
much of the "radical behavior"
of teenagers in the 90's |
Without a strong memory of the
1990’s, teens won’t be influenced by classic cartoons like “Hello Arnold!” and “Rosco’s
Modern Life”. And who could forget Michael Jordan’s box office smash hit “Space
Hoops”? It’s cinematic masterpieces like these that need to be preserved in the minds of
our youth if we hope to preserve any worthwhile culture we have left.
“My favorite movie is White Chicks” – 14 year
old male who probably hasn’t seen many movies
Only with the help of concerned
citizens like yourself can knowledge of the 1990’s be instilled into the minds of our youth.
This can be done easily by “not acknowledging current cultural trends” and “thinking
everything was better when Clinton was president”. After all, the guy got a
blowie in the Oval Office. That’s pretty boss.
