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SCOOTIN: a local teen was officially "given back his virginity" after being spotted riding around on a Razor Scooterâ„¢ earlier today                   DRUGSTEP: christian parents worried about teenage son "have you been smoking dubstep?" "mom what??" "DON'T LIE TO ME WHERE'S THE SKRILLEX"                   :'(: Girl found passed out after what friends call a 'white girl rampage' "becky was wayyy out of control" "she had likee 11 mochafrapss!!"                   HEALTH: teens converse while smoking cigs "can cell phones really give you cancer?" "i hope not" *takes drag* "i'd hate to get cancer"                   TRAGEDY: local teen legitimately "dies from boredom" "he forgot to bring his iphone with him in the bathroom" "sad day for teens everywhere"                   PHILOSOPHICAL: teen speaks his mind "two wrongs don't make a right, but one bong makes it alright" "yo, one must first turn down to turn up"                   FISH ARE FRIENDS: a white girl posts a facebook status Becky: i'm FINna watch some shark week! Hannah: omg so creative! Becky: love uuuuuuu                   420: teens smoke after school "dude, do you ever think like, what if you were a chick? like what if- "WHAT IF YOU PASSED THE FUCKING BLUNT?"                   DAFT: teens attempt to stay up all night to get lucky "if we stay awake long enough we get laid, right?" "yea that's what the song says"                   EARLY BIRD: teen gets woken up "why would you wake me up at such an UNGODLY HOUR??" dude it's 10:30 "JESUS CHRIST ITS PRACTICALLY YESTERDAY"                   HEART BREAKING: young teen overdoses on marijuana earlier today. Witnesses claim his last words were "dude" and "duuuudddeeee"                   POOETRY: Teen fed up w/ eng class "do u love rap music? then class you'll love Edgar Allen Poe" "MORE LIKE EDGAR ALLEN POOP" "grow up steve"                   CHILLIN: teens kick it! "i'm bored" wanna like, go outside? "out ..side?" *squints eyes and stares teen down* just fuckin witchu *rips bong*                   PUBERTY: 16 y/o feels confident with his newly grown facial hair "one packet of cigarettes please" no "okay!" *moonwalks out of 7/11*                   HEART BREAKING: young teen overdoses on marijuana earlier today. Witnesses claim his last words were "dude" and "duuuudddeeee"                   KRUNK: high school freshmen plan a house party "we've got 16 beers. you think that'll be enough?" "yeah def" "dude this is gunna be EPIC"                   VIOLENT: teen in critical condition after being assaulted during a game of Mario Party "i told that piece of shit not to steal my star"                   HOLLAWEEN: Teens discuss their halloween costumes "im dressin up as a mocha frappe gonna be watchin the bitches flock" "im going as molly"                   FLAMER: teen boy's house burns down due to his scented candle collection. Firefighters comment "it's the gayest tradegy i've seen in years"

INNER CITY BASKETBALL: BEYOND THE ARC

Inner city teens have recently created a community outreach program to teach privileged white teens about the game of basketball.  The first recipient of this progressive program was a fifteen year old named Jeffrey.


The day began with the hosts introducing themselves to Jeffrey.
"Hi guys! I sure am ready to play some hoop ball."
"I think you mean hoops, Jeff."
"DON'T CALL ME JEFF, MY NAME IS JEFFREY."
This is NOT an accurate representation of a basketball.

Soon they transitioned into simple layup and dribbling drills which Jeffrey handled with the gracefulness of a paraplegic deer.  They quickly deemed the trainee neither left nor right handed within his first five minutes with a basketball.
"Running and trying to get the ball into the hoop ball net is so difficult, I can't do it."
"It's called a layup Jeffrey, but don't worry, the 25th time's the charm."

Beaming with frustration one of the hosts shouted LeBron James as he launched a deep three point shot, and an uplifting conversation ensued.
"Why are you saying his last name first?"
"No, no, LeBron is his first name, James is his last."
"Whaaaat! I guess I just don't get this hoop ba- erm i mean basketball stuff."
*encouraging pat on back* "You'll get it soon man."

Two hours went by "painfully slow" and Jeffrey was pouring with sweat.
"I'm glad you guys took time out of your day to play sports with me."
"No problem Jeffrey."
"You can call me Jeff."
*takes shot*
*airball*