5 WAYS TO GET LAID YOUR FIRST WEEKEND OF COLLEGE

DOWNEY, CA - Whatsup virgins, oh sorry you had sex before??? Quit lying to yourself, there's no way any sensible person would click on this article UNLESS they were trying to pop their v-card cherry (literally and figuratively). Don't worry there's nothing wrong with losing your virginity while in college, all that matters is you do it within the first week.  By the regulations written in the Standards of Highschool Issues and Terminology (SHIT) you can SAY your virginity was lost while in high school and seem way more alpha than you actually are.

1) Wear Snapbacks

Nothing says I have a huge dick and insane amounts of swag more than rocking a snapback. So slap that pussy magnet on your head and watch the bitches flock. 

2) Cocaine

There's two things women value in life, the right to vote and snorting cocaine. Simply buy yourself an 8ball of this wondrous drug and hand it out to every single female you come across at a party, and find yourself swimming in an ocean full of pussy. 

3) Ed Hardy

College is the time when most women look for a man to settle down with and what better way to get the statement of 'I would make a wonderful life partner and will achieve a high amount of success in my chosen career path' than ROCKING ED HARDY!!!

4) Gold Grills/Face Tattoos

Honestly, every bitch loves a thug and in the year 2014 anyone can lie about having street cred by getting tattoos and wearing expensive jewelry. So steal your mom's credit card and hit up the local 'grill' maker in your neighborhood and get decked out. 

5) Make Love to One of Your Bros

Who ever said you had to lose your virginity to a GIRL?? No one, and truth be told bros make better sex partners than women do because there's no drama and you can talk about sports after doing it. So hit up your most handsomest buddy and get down and dirty. 

-TNR5