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WOAH: teens get rowdy while driving "yo call that guy a fag and then drive off" "FAG!" "haha yes, we are so badass" *everyone high fives*                   COMEDY: teens finish watching Breaking Bad "wow, more like breaking GOOD" "...i said, more like break-" "we heard you the first time dick"                   CHRONIC: teen smokes weed for the first time "..dude" what "....dude" what?? "duuuuude" WHAT?? "i'm so ripped" we didn't even smoke yet "oh"                   TEEN CRISIS: "hello 911? yes. my internet went out in the middle of a jerk sesh" "what do you mean this isn't an emergency??" "put obama on"                   PHILOSOPHICAL: teen speaks his mind "two wrongs don't make a right, but one bong makes it alright" "yo, one must first turn down to turn up"                   SCIENTIFIC: teen "experiments" with homosexuality *analyzes litmus paper* "just as i hypothesized.." *writes down data* "i'm gay"                   FUNDONT: Teen hospitalized after tragic fondue accident "i thought the bitches would want this warm cheesy dick" "they didnt"                   BETTER LUCK NEXT RHYME: teen loses a rap battle "spark the blunt with my bic, yea boy i'll suck your dick" "WAIT NO HOMO" "stfu juicy gay"                   SHY: teen refuses to get naked in front of her bf b/c she's "too fat" sources indicate bf "doesn't care" & "just wants to see some titties"                   KOOLS: teen buys cigs to impress girls "can i get a pack of boges?" "what kind?" *lowers shades* "the kind that gives you the most cancer"                   WHIP GAME: teens hit the go kart track "mushrooms and racing was a great idea" "i feel like mario" "haha steve is just staring at the wheel"                   SWAGGER: teen gets ready for saturday night yeah this snapback yolo combo will for sure get me laid *chugs diet pepsi* TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?                   GAME: teen joins a sports team in hopes of getting girls "sup ladies, i'm the quarterman for our school's hoopball squad" *has infinity sex*                   LANDLOCKED: Nebraska teens think about the beach "what do you think the ocean is like?" "it's probably hella gay" "i don't even like salt"                   WHIP GAME: teens hit the go kart track "mushrooms and racing was a great idea" "i feel like mario" "haha steve is just staring at the wheel"                   TWITTER: teen faces crucial decision "i wanna rewrite my typo'd tweet but it already got three favs" "MY LIFE IS PAIN" *jumps off bridge*                   BREAKING: local mother arrested for throwing out her son's Pokemon cards. Among the cards was a holographic Mewtwo. She faces up to 20 years                   PRUDE: teen admits he has never kissed a girl "dude how? you're 18" "cause i only kiss women...like YOUR MOM" "YOU GOT ME AGAIN BRO!" *bro5*                   ELECTED: teen wins over his high school in class elections "if elected... I WILL LEGALIZE MARIJUANA" *entire student body starts krumping*

5 WAYS TO GET LAID YOUR FIRST WEEKEND OF COLLEGE

DOWNEY, CA - Whatsup virgins, oh sorry you had sex before??? Quit lying to yourself, there's no way any sensible person would click on this article UNLESS they were trying to pop their v-card cherry (literally and figuratively). Don't worry there's nothing wrong with losing your virginity while in college, all that matters is you do it within the first week.  By the regulations written in the Standards of Highschool Issues and Terminology (SHIT) you can SAY your virginity was lost while in high school and seem way more alpha than you actually are.


1) Wear Snapbacks



Nothing says I have a huge dick and insane amounts of swag more than rocking a snapback. So slap that pussy magnet on your head and watch the bitches flock. 

2) Cocaine



There's two things women value in life, the right to vote and snorting cocaine. Simply buy yourself an 8ball of this wondrous drug and hand it out to every single female you come across at a party, and find yourself swimming in an ocean full of pussy. 

3) Ed Hardy


College is the time when most women look for a man to settle down with and what better way to get the statement of 'I would make a wonderful life partner and will achieve a high amount of success in my chosen career path' than ROCKING ED HARDY!!!

4) Gold Grills/Face Tattoos



Honestly, every bitch loves a thug and in the year 2014 anyone can lie about having street cred by getting tattoos and wearing expensive jewelry. So steal your mom's credit card and hit up the local 'grill' maker in your neighborhood and get decked out. 

5) Make Love to One of Your Bros



Who ever said you had to lose your virginity to a GIRL?? No one, and truth be told bros make better sex partners than women do because there's no drama and you can talk about sports after doing it. So hit up your most handsomest buddy and get down and dirty.