STARBUCKS SECRET MENU: CHEAP AND TO DIE FOR

The House of Pumpkin Spice Latte and the House of Peppermint Mocha Frappe fought bravely for two weeks to decide which seasonal caffeinated beverage would remain on the Starbucks menu.  Teen News highlights the signature events of the fort night long war that determined the fate of white girls everywhere across America.  For the original article, click here.

FARGO, ND - Knowing their days of emoji sending may be coming to an end the twenty brave premium coffee loving warriors attended their mutual friend's mother's second wedding.  The event was scheduled to end at midnight, at which point the battle would officially begin.

12/26/13 - The Red Velvet Cake Wedding 

"The after party was at the holiday inn, there were plenty of cute boys and
our moms didn't care if we drank alcohol." - Eye Witness Testimony

The first night of Kwanzaa wasn't an ordinary throwback thursday.  It wasn't until the live band started to play Chingy's Holiday Inn that the girls supporting Pumpkin Spice noticed there was something up with their rivals' plates.  The Peppermint Mocha girls had all been eating chocolate cake, which made no sense because red velvet cake was the "so obvious choice".  Before the teens could begin poorly reciting the Chingy lyrics team Pumpkin Spice lost 8 members...to poison.  The only surviving members of P(M)SL girls were Becca and Stacy who had resisted the temptation of cake because "they thought they were fat".

12/29/13 - Pearls Harbor

Just when you thought girls couldn't go behind anyone's backs, the Pumpkin Spice girls struck back.  The in tact Peppermint Mocha team and their incredibly terrible attention spans decided to browse a local mall's jewelery store.  Little did they know Stacy and Becca had "paid a guy definitely not in sexual favors though" to offer free pearl necklaces to any of the girls that would take them.  Seven of the PM(F)S girls donned the jewelery immediately, with witnesses saying "they assumed it was free because they're hot".  Then, another guy who Stacy and Becca had "paid definitely not in sexual favors" came into play.  With the promise of anonymity, teen news got him to comment. "They told me to kill any girl wearing a specific type of pearl necklace." The Navy Seal Sniper continued "It was as easy as shooting defensive white girls in a mall."

1/10/14 - It's My Life

Starbucks was obviously receiving bad press because they condoned the murders of previously innocent privileged white girls so they decided to try to put an end to the violence.  However, they weren't able to get last minute One Direction tickets so they decided they'd get Bon Jovi tickets and lie to the girls.  Tara, Katie, Beth, Stacy, and Becca had a "massive heart to heart" and decided that it wasn't worth fighting over which Starbucks item stayed on the menu...finally.  This distracted them from the fact that they were walking into the midst of middle aged men and women who love Bon Jovi.  By the time they realized they'd been tricked, it was too late, they were listening to the music that their parents listened to.  All five of the remaining girls died from embarrassment at some point in the concert.  Bon Jovi declined to comment.

Kill Count: 5