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PRUDE: teen admits he has never kissed a girl "dude how? you're 18" "cause i only kiss women...like YOUR MOM" "YOU GOT ME AGAIN BRO!" *bro5*                   iOSHEAVEN: Teens marvel in Apple's latest conquest "iOS 7 is better than being alive" "now i can die happy" "i feel steve jobs inside me"                   GTA: teen love gaming! "wait guys, don't you think this game is a little offensive to women?" *silence* "LOL JK" *kills another hooker*                   BONDING: teen doesn't want to go to school "dad, it's just real fcking gay" "honestly son, you have a point" *father rolls fat ass blunt*                   GRADES: teen girl prays she doesn't fail her history test "anything but an F, my parents will kill me!" boys reply "i guess she wants the D"                   420: teens smoke after school "dude, do you ever think like, what if you were a chick? like what if- "WHAT IF YOU PASSED THE FUCKING BLUNT?"                   WOAH: teen finds out the secret to girls "it's all about politeness" *pulls out seat* "you look lovely" *ripsticks directly into her vagina*                   KOOLS: teen buys cigs to impress girls "can i get a pack of boges?" "what kind?" *lowers shades* "the kind that gives you the most cancer"                   JOURNALISM: Teen girl claimed she was "literally dying" after reading a text from her friend. Sources indicate she is in fact, not dying.                   TEEN CRISIS: "hello 911? yes. my internet went out in the middle of a jerk sesh" "what do you mean this isn't an emergency??" "put obama on"                   GAMECUBE: teens gear up for Super Smash Brothers Melee "i'm green falco" "i'm normal falco" "i'm red falco" "i'm ice climbers" "...fag"                   POLNO: Frat teen asks bros if a "black polo and flops" is an alright outfit for his grandmas funeral "dude u gotta at least wear sperrys"                   PUTT PUTT: teen has trouble on his first date w/ female "she beat me in mini golf" that's rough, what did you do? "i left her there" nice                   GRADES: teen girl prays she doesn't fail her history test "anything but an F, my parents will kill me!" boys reply "i guess she wants the D"                   GAMECUBE: teens gear up for Super Smash Brothers Melee "i'm green falco" "i'm normal falco" "i'm red falco" "i'm ice climbers" "...fag"                   KOOLS: teen buys cigs to impress girls "can i get a pack of boges?" "what kind?" *lowers shades* "the kind that gives you the most cancer"                   SCOOTIN: a local teen was officially "given back his virginity" after being spotted riding around on a Razor Scooterâ„¢ earlier today                   PUTT PUTT: teen has trouble on his first date w/ female "she beat me in mini golf" that's rough, what did you do? "i left her there" nice                   YOU GIVE BUD A BAD NAME: teen gets creative "i named my piece Bong Jovi" dude that's sick *rips bong so dang hard* "WE'RE HALFWAY THEREEE OH

NFL TRYOUTS: NEW RULE CHANGES 2014 SEASON

Due to the ever growing concern of serious injuries in the National Football League the league has decided to prohibit professional players from taking part in kickoff returns.  In order to prevent future lawsuits to players under contract, NFL teams are searching from amateur pools to play in a crucial part of the game that fans can't bear to see removed from the game.

NASHVILLE, TN - "My dad always wanted me to be a football player, but I could never make the team.  I just hope this will finally make him proud and potentially bring him back from the dead." Jacob, a 5'2" 110 lbs. sophomore, was in no pads among thousands of similarly built boys at the Tennessee Titans practice facility in Nashville.  They were in the third and final stage of the tryout process which involved them taking full speed hits from actual NFL players and seeing who "survived".

one teen dead
Stage 1 involved removing all the entrants who actually looked "capable or more than capable of sitting on the bench of a junior varsity high school football team".  Step 2 involved the remaining teens to sign a waiver expressing that they "knew the risks associated with getting hit with no protection against the most impressive physical specimens in the world" and that their "relatives are not allowed to file a wrongful death lawsuit against the league".

one teen dead
"We'll take anyone." The Tennessee Titan Assistant Coach who was in charge of the tryouts expressed to teen news, "Cripples, mentally challenged folks, even babies, the average NFL fan just wants to see someone get f***ed up and with this new rule we expect to get some people seriously fucked up."  (Because of contract law babies and "mentally challenged folks" were not allowed to participate in the tryouts because they lacked the capacity to understand the terms of the contract.  However, cripples were fair game.)

one teen dead
Anonymously, a team executive stated "we expect to pick up about 500 scapegoats.  About 300 will probably die or be in a coma before the season begins, and we expect to lose about a handful a week to the same causes."

ARE YOU READY FOOTBALL FANS!? It's about damn time violence returned to the sport and ended the pussification of the National Football League.