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SHY: teen refuses to get naked in front of her bf b/c she's "too fat" sources indicate bf "doesn't care" & "just wants to see some titties"                   DRIVE THRU: teens smoke and go to Taco Bell "can i have a taco? HELLO??" dude you gotta lower the window "this is too complicated" *leaves*                   420: teens smoke after school "dude, do you ever think like, what if you were a chick? like what if- "WHAT IF YOU PASSED THE FUCKING BLUNT?"                   CENSORED: 10th grade teen refuses to say "the n word" during a class reading of To Kill A Mockingbird "there were black kids in that class"                   FUNDONT: Teen hospitalized after tragic fondue accident "i thought the bitches would want this warm cheesy dick" "they didnt"                   EMPLOYMENT: teen girls fills out job application "should i put down that i was twerk team captain?" "fuck yea i should"                   GOSSIP: 7th graders talk rumors "i heard tina gave billy a handjob behind the bleachers after school" for real? "yea" wait what's a handjob?                   YOLO: HS teen takes it to the limit LET'S *turns hat sideways* FUCKING *puts speakers up to 80% full volume* DO THIS *drinks 2 light beers*                   SCOOTIN: a local teen was officially "given back his virginity" after being spotted riding around on a Razor Scooter™ earlier today                   HEALTH: teens converse while smoking cigs "can cell phones really give you cancer?" "i hope not" *takes drag* "i'd hate to get cancer"                   HOLLAWEEN: Teens discuss their halloween costumes "im dressin up as a mocha frappe gonna be watchin the bitches flock" "im going as molly"                   PRUDE: teen admits he has never kissed a girl "dude how? you're 18" "cause i only kiss women...like YOUR MOM" "YOU GOT ME AGAIN BRO!" *bro5*                   BARGAIN: teen buys weed for the first time *hands dealer $20* *gets handed bag of chopped leaves* *smells bag* "woah this is some dank kush"                   BETTER LUCK NEXT RHYME: teen loses a rap battle "spark the blunt with my bic, yea boy i'll suck your dick" "WAIT NO HOMO" "stfu juicy gay"                   HOLLAWEEN: Teens discuss their halloween costumes "im dressin up as a mocha frappe gonna be watchin the bitches flock" "im going as molly"                   iOSHEAVEN: Teens marvel in Apple's latest conquest "iOS 7 is better than being alive" "now i can die happy" "i feel steve jobs inside me"                   FANDANGO: 16 year olds try to see an R rated movie "i left my ID in-" *fake moustache falls off* "damnit" *sees grown ups 2*                   VIOLENT: teen in critical condition after being assaulted during a game of Mario Party "i told that piece of shit not to steal my star"                   SHY: teen refuses to get naked in front of her bf b/c she's "too fat" sources indicate bf "doesn't care" & "just wants to see some titties"

SEVEN HALLOWEEN MOVIES...THAT WILL GET YOU LAID

As we approach All Hallows' Eve I think I owe it to you nerds and virgins to give you one more list of tricks and treats so hopefully you don't end up fucking a pumpkin on October 31st.   Put on a halloween costume that will get you laid and get ready for some spooky flicks that will land you some slutty chicks.




The Notebook (2004) 

Hopefully if you're reading this you've been on this planet long enough to know that this movie will get you laid.  Statistically, 90% of all male virgins have never seen this shit.  Be careful, the best way to watch this movie is by looking at a wall and zoning out, DO NOT follow the storyline.

"Wow Josh I can't believe you watched this with me? Wanna have crazy sex?"
*wipes away tears* "IT'S SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL"


Nosferatu (1922)

How will this movie get you laid?  Well, no matter how boring you are, this movie is more boring.  And, no matter how ugly you are, movies in only black and white are harder to look at.  Trick your girl into watching it and literally reap the benefits.

"wtf this movie isn't in color"
"Nope." 
"wtf they don't talk either."
"Nope."
"your house sucks i'm leaving"
"WAIT BUT TEEN NEWS SA-"


A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

Theoretically you could watch any of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies, but since old movies suck I'd rather go with the newest one.  

"girl i hope freddy doesn't kill you right now"
"i'm awake...i'm not dreaming"
"but you're the girl of MY dreams"
"awwwww"
*settles for a handjob*


Casper (1995)

Casper the friendly ghost is also the king of friends with benefits movie watching experiences.  Well, not the king, but he's up there.  If you've ever seen Casper before you know that the ghosts in that film can go into people's bodies.  Go...in..to...people's...bodies.  You see where I'm going with this?

"wow casper kinda looks like a giant jizz"
"stacy i didn't know you were a trashy fucking whore"
*gets a pretty awesome blowjob*


An American Werewolf in London (1981)

The 80s were pretty rad, sexual deviancy was at its peak and maybe you'll capture some of that flair while she no longer gives a shit about the hair you forgot to shave after this cinema.

"i LOVE british guys, are there british guys in this movie jake cause i LOVE british guys"
"hoe stfu"


Any Movie In Theaters (2013)

Theaters are the greatest places to take bitches because 1) shows you got bills 2) you don't have to talk to them 3) public handjobs are the best handjobs  I've seen the stupidest scariest movies in theaters The Fog, My Bloody Valentine, The Call.  Has it ever gotten me laid? Yes, that's 1/1, go make it 2/2.

"let's see a scary movie kelly"
"can i bring my boyfriend?"


Elf (2003)

Halloween is the perfect day to start preparing for Christmas! White girls love this movie almost as much as starbucks and uggs.  Besides why don't you nerds stop celebrating a pagan ritual and celebrate the god damn birth of our lord and savior jesus christ.

*watches Elf with two bitches*
*has a threesome*