An outbreak of mono has struck a local high school in
Oregon earlier this week. Parents and students alike fear for the safety of everyone in school
“good thing i don’t kiss these stupid kids” – local gym
teacher/child molester
With students missing school because of mono, teachers
are worried that grades will begin to slip
“luckily all the nerds are still in school”, says the
principal, “those fags will prolly never kiss a girl”
“at least i don’t have mono!”
“SHUT UP STEVE”
*principal throws a math textbook at steve*
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| OREGON: i think its in canada or something |
Mononucleosis, also known as “the kissing disease”, is a
virus that affects 1 in 4 teens around the country
“it’s like herpes but for 8th graders” – says the
school nurse who never graduated from college
 |
| you're bleeding from the throat? here, have a lollipop |
But with over half of this Oregon school being affected
by mono, parents have begun to take action and protest against the safety
regulations in practice at this school
“FREE CONDOMS IN SCHOOL” – shouts one parent who doesn’t
know what mono is
“OUTLAW KISSING” – says steve’s father, who is surprisingly
also a virgin somehow
 |
| the anger is real folks |
With all this calamity occurring, teen news can only pray
that this Oregon school returns to normal. Though mono only lasts a month,
virginity can last a lifetime. Well, at least for Steve it will
