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KOOLS: teen buys cigs to impress girls "can i get a pack of boges?" "what kind?" *lowers shades* "the kind that gives you the most cancer"                   SMACKED: teen nerd gets beat up by own father "sorry son, but you wore a naruto headband to dinner" "that shit just won't fly in my house"                   POT: teen claims to be experiencing marijuana withdrawal "the room...it's so cold" bro u smoked for the first time yesterday "U DONT KNO ME"                   CHIVALRY: teen cooks a romantic dinner for his girlfriend "are you enjoying your ham and cheese hot pocket babe?" "no. not at all."                   SHY: teen refuses to get naked in front of her bf b/c she's "too fat" sources indicate bf "doesn't care" & "just wants to see some titties"                   STRUDEL'D: Teens get physical after toaster strudel incident "BRO DID YOU USE TWO PACKETS OF ICING" "yea?" "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE"                   YOU GIVE BUD A BAD NAME: teen gets creative "i named my piece Bong Jovi" dude that's sick *rips bong so dang hard* "WE'RE HALFWAY THEREEE OH                   NICE: teens prepare for finals "i took like 120 mg's of adderall" "i didn't even study. i just organized my itunes library for 6 hours"                   DRAMABOMB: authorities are investigating a gas that stimulates drama, experts say it's probably oxygen because teen girls are simply bitches                   HOLLAWEEN: Teens discuss their halloween costumes "im dressin up as a mocha frappe gonna be watchin the bitches flock" "im going as molly"                   WOAH: teen makes friends at new school "sup guys, my name's chad and i think beer is cool" *gets invited to every party in a 20 mile radius*                   BRAWL: teen loses fight to local bully "i don't get it. i watched the whole 1st season of dragon ball z" "i should have destroyed him"                   UNEMPLOYED: teen fills out a job application HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY? Yes. IF YES, EXPLAIN. I murder every beat I rap on.                   TEXTING: teens talk girls "dude she just texted me hey" ..so? "WITH TWO Y'S" *high fives so hard they break the fucking sound barrier*                   WOAH: teen makes friends at new school "sup guys, my name's chad and i think beer is cool" *gets invited to every party in a 20 mile radius*                   SCIENTIFIC: teen "experiments" with homosexuality *analyzes litmus paper* "just as i hypothesized.." *writes down data* "i'm gay"                   OH NO: nervous teen asks out girl "b-becky, do y-you w-wanna- *vomits everywhere* *slips on vomit* *penis lands directly in vagina* "swag"                   GAME: teen joins a sports team in hopes of getting girls "sup ladies, i'm the quarterman for our school's hoopball squad" *has infinity sex*                   <3: teens go out to a romantic dinner "can we have a bottle of your finest sizzurp" *mariachi dubstep band* "babe will you turn up with me?"

MONO OUTBREAK: HOW TO CURE THE KISSING DISEASE


An outbreak of mono has struck a local high school in Oregon earlier this week. Parents and students alike fear for the safety of everyone in school

“good thing i don’t kiss these stupid kids” – local gym teacher/child molester

With students missing school because of mono, teachers are worried that grades will begin to slip
“luckily all the nerds are still in school”, says the principal, “those fags will prolly never kiss a girl”
“at least i don’t have mono!”
“SHUT UP STEVE”
*principal throws a math textbook at steve*
 
OREGON: i think its in canada
or something
Mononucleosis, also known as “the kissing disease”, is a virus that affects 1 in 4 teens around the country
“it’s like herpes but for 8th graders” – says the school nurse who never graduated from college
 
you're bleeding from the throat?
here, have a lollipop
But with over half of this Oregon school being affected by mono, parents have begun to take action and protest against the safety regulations in practice at this school
“FREE CONDOMS IN SCHOOL” – shouts one parent who doesn’t know what mono is
“OUTLAW KISSING” – says steve’s father, who is surprisingly also a virgin somehow
 
the anger is real folks

With all this calamity occurring, teen news can only pray that this Oregon school returns to normal. Though mono only lasts a month, virginity can last a lifetime. Well, at least for Steve it will