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FISH ARE FRIENDS: a white girl posts a facebook status Becky: i'm FINna watch some shark week! Hannah: omg so creative! Becky: love uuuuuuu                   ICEBREAKER: teen screws up a classic pick-up line "so babe you ever weigh a polar bear" "what?" *breaks ice on girl's head* "wanna make out"                   ROCK: 13 year old considers Creed to be "classic rock" "hey dad, let's spark a doobie and listen to creed" "son, just stop"                   RAGE: teen plays Pokemon Gold *at pokecenter* *rapidly clicking A* *accidentally clicks A too much and the nurse starts talking again* NOOOO                   BREAKING: teen girl makes post on public social media for all to see i am so fckinnn mad right now -why? -i don't want to talk about it                   PRUDE: teen admits he has never kissed a girl "dude how? you're 18" "cause i only kiss women...like YOUR MOM" "YOU GOT ME AGAIN BRO!" *bro5*                   HIGH SCHOOL: teens talk music "you hear the new earl sweatpants album?" heck yes! GOLF GANG!! "damn, we're so #swag"                   HEART BREAKING: young teen overdoses on marijuana earlier today. Witnesses claim his last words were "dude" and "duuuudddeeee"                   TRAGIC: teen reportedly "never seen again" after entering a Hot Topic "we begged him not to enter that store" "he belongs to the mall now"                   MUSIC: h/s senior receives detention after arguing with his teacher "i said lil b is better than elton john" "i guess mr. ross isn't based"                   CHAMP: teen is a "winner" "I DID IT MOM. I FINALLY DID IT" *runs up to mom w/ gameboy* "I BEAT THE ELITE FOUR" "who gives a fuck? you're 19"                   MUGSHOT: arrested teen makes an odd request while being processed "can you please sepia filter this shot" "also can you hashtag it badass?"                   JOB: teen gets interviewed "why should we hire you?" "i have 1000 followers on twitter" "how many do you follow?" "...1200" "GET OUTTA HERE"                   TRIPPY: teens drop acid for the first time "grasshoppers are the dubstep of nature" "holy shit bro that's so deep" "i'm a young socrates"                   CHAMP: teen is a "winner" "I DID IT MOM. I FINALLY DID IT" *runs up to mom w/ gameboy* "I BEAT THE ELITE FOUR" "who gives a fuck? you're 19"                   IRL: teen forgets he's not playing GTA V *goes sixty mph on the highway* *jumps out of car* *gets up and walks away*                   BONDING: teen doesn't want to go to school "dad, it's just real fcking gay" "honestly son, you have a point" *father rolls fat ass blunt*                   WHIP GAME: teens hit the go kart track "mushrooms and racing was a great idea" "i feel like mario" "haha steve is just staring at the wheel"                   SCOOTIN: a local teen was officially "given back his virginity" after being spotted riding around on a Razor Scooter™ earlier today

TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL

Police were called to the scene after there were reports of a local teenager acting "overly cool"
Witnesses told police they spotted a 15 to 18 year old male riding a longboard and smoking a cigarette at the same time. One also claims “I think it was a menthol” and “he was wearing board shorts”

The teen was allegedly longboarding at speeds of over 15 miles per hours
“He was like a blur. One second I smelled the scent of Axe Body Spray and the next, BAM, he zooms right past me. I was scared”

Police were startled to find that a teenager could be so cool, and are still currently on the lookout for the teen in question.

One officer claims he is “keeping his eyes peeled for overly cool teenagers” and “wants more donuts”.


THE LONGBOARD: a common mode of transportation used 
mainly by teens who couldn't figure out how to do kickflips

Many teens across the country try to act cool, but very few are able to achieve a limit where it becomes both highly dangerous and highly illegal
Legislation preventing teens from being overly cool was passed in the early 1990’s after a 17 year old New Jersey male tragically “drowned in pussy”

Police are constantly on the lookout for teenagers who are too cool and even run programs in local public schools on proper coolness safety. These programs teach teens not to combine too many cool activities at once, such as: “getting laid”, “crushing Natties”, and “driving over the speed limit”
“Be cool always in moderation” is the message the program preaches and hopes teens follow

Events such as the ones that happened earlier are chilling reminders that there are teens out there who simply don’t care about obeying the law, which in turn is making them even more cool
“It’s truly an epidemic” says one of the first police officers on the scene, “the more these kids break the law, the cooler they get and the more dangerous they become. It’s a vicious and unforgiving cycle.”