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SCHOOL: "ms. jones is def in the illuminati dude. she's always talkin about triangles" "she's a geometry teacher" "...the fuck's geometry?"                   DRUGSTEP: christian parents worried about teenage son "have you been smoking dubstep?" "mom what??" "DON'T LIE TO ME WHERE'S THE SKRILLEX"                   KOOLS: teen buys cigs to impress girls "can i get a pack of boges?" "what kind?" *lowers shades* "the kind that gives you the most cancer"                   WOAH: teen finds out the secret to girls "it's all about politeness" *pulls out seat* "you look lovely" *ripsticks directly into her vagina*                   CHECK UP: teen vists doctor "so are you sexually active?" no "any drugs or alcohol?" nope "i see. well my prognosis is you're a fuckin nerd"                   UNDERCOVER: mysterious teen tries to disuade his peers "maybe we should wait until we're 21 to drink" *moustache falls off* "WTF DAD"                   HEART BREAKING: young teen overdoses on marijuana earlier today. Witnesses claim his last words were "dude" and "duuuudddeeee"                   FUN: teens prepare for Halloween "okay. i'm mario, jeff's luigi, mark's wario, and steve.. ur waluigi" why am i waluigi? "BC NO ONE LIKES U"                   DIESEL: teen gets pulled over "officer, i know i was speeding i was just really mad" *officer lowers shades* "so you were FAST and FURIOUS?"                   TWITTER: teen faces crucial decision "i wanna rewrite my typo'd tweet but it already got three favs" "MY LIFE IS PAIN" *jumps off bridge*                   OUCH: Teen sent to office after being wrongly accused of texting in class "jeez i was just staring at my dick" "no one texts me anyway"                   GAME: teen joins a sports team in hopes of getting girls "sup ladies, i'm the quarterman for our school's hoopball squad" *has infinity sex*                   TWITTER: teen faces crucial decision "i wanna rewrite my typo'd tweet but it already got three favs" "MY LIFE IS PAIN" *jumps off bridge*                   UNDERCOVER: mysterious teen tries to disuade his peers "maybe we should wait until we're 21 to drink" *moustache falls off* "WTF DAD"                   OUCH: Teen sent to office after being wrongly accused of texting in class "jeez i was just staring at my dick" "no one texts me anyway"                   MUSIC: h/s senior receives detention after arguing with his teacher "i said lil b is better than elton john" "i guess mr. ross isn't based"                   SCIENTIFIC: teen "experiments" with homosexuality *analyzes litmus paper* "just as i hypothesized.." *writes down data* "i'm gay"                   SUPER SMASH BROTHAS: teen claims Nintendo is racist "there's no black people in super smash" well, there IS donkey ko- *gets ass beat hard*                   BANGIN: teen goes on date w/ cute female "how'd it go?" let's just say i'm *lowers shades* not a virgin anymore *still totally a virgin*

RARE LIFESTYLES MIXTAPE LEAKS 3 YEARS EARLY

Go mark down whatever fucking date it is on your calendar because today is the day all music has changed. RARE LIFESTYLES' mixtape, DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 2017, has, in a very rare turn up of events, leaked 3 years early to mass acclaim. People all over the world are singing the praise of RARE LIFESTYLES and DO NOT LISTEN UNTIL 2017.


"Probably the best mixtape since Beethoven's dropped his first EP" - Peter McGuire, Rolling Stone

"DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 2017 is arguably the most important piece of media to ever grace this planet" - Melissa Fontino, Pitchfork

"Yung Jacob's production skills absolutely put me to shame" - J Dilla

Let's brake down this album, track by track, to truly understand its excellence.

OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE - yung jacob x adam krash [prod. by yung jacob]



The lead single, OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE, featuring yung jacob and adam krash is one of the most important songs of this century. A musical masterpiece that begins with tales of action and romance finishes with one of the most revolutionary lines ever spoken by a human being:

"on that pussy, i be landin/except if she's retarded, im talkin eli manning"

This track is truly literature in musical form. Cudos to you, RARE LIFESTYLES.

GALATRON™ - finch the kid x yung jacob [prod. by yung jacob]



The next track, dubbed GALATRON™, features two of this generation's most talented rappers, finch the kid and yung jacob, "spitting hot fire" on what is being heavily cited as "The World's Greatest Beat". GALATRON™ is a track for the club scene, and is quickly becoming one of the most popular songs in the world. Best line in this track? Easy:

"rare... rare... rare"

If that's not poetry then I don't know what is.

MINT - adam krash x finch the kid x hawk $$ x yung jacob [prod. by yung jacob]



Now this is what I call a fresh track! Get it?? MINT. Whatever fuck you. Anyway, this is the first track to feature all members of RARE LIFESTYLES and introduces the listener to hawk $$ (pronounced "hawk money"). Certainly the highlight of this track is the beautifully sung "bleeps" and "bloops" (performed by finch the kid) for the hook.

"Finch the Kid has the voice of hundred angels" - Lou Reed

 This track is what we in the music biz refer to as a "must listen" and is "extremely very fucking rare".

IS WHAT IT IS - adam krash [prod. by yung jacob]



The fourth track on the mixtape is a solo piece by adam krash. Largely being hailed as "The Most Moving Song of All Time Ever", IS WHAT IT IS lays down some real talk. adam trained his voice for 7 years with Colombian monks in order to attain the "robot effect" heard on the track. Make no mistakes folks, that is not auto tune. Incredible.

BLEACH - adam krash x hawk $$ x yung jacob x finch the kid [prod. by yung jacob]



The final track on DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 2017 is BLEACH. Music critics all over the world hail BLEACH as "The Greatest Song About Trying to Kill Yourself Ever of All Time". It features the entire set of RARE LIFESTYLES and gives a smashing ending to this incredible mixtape.

WARNING: THIS SONG IS EXTREMELY RARE. LISTEN AT YOUR OWN RISK


In conclusion, DO NOT LISTEN UNTIL 2017 is one of the most revolutionary pieces music ever created by any human in the entirety of time and space. It has changed my outlook on life. It has made me a better person. You MUST LISTEN to this album.

Overall Score: 4/5